metal-shaped colour

day negative one.

2009-08-03T20:22:00.003+10:00

oh hello there blog,

so. i'm on placement again.

today i did nothing! which i mean, i'm not getting paid, so YAY. but if i was going to do nothing... i could've gone to work, which i LIKE and also, they will pay me so boo. or i could've done nothing elsewhere. like, say at the park. or at the library. or at home? and when i say i did nothing, i lie. this is what actually happened.

i went on an orientation tour of the hospital, where someone pointed at things and told the 1-2 people near the front what they were, while leading us in circles. so actually, i don't know where anything is. where's the pharmacy again? where's the bathroom?

my pharmacist was sick and the one who was covering for him ditched me. for um. 9 hours. during this time, i tried to update my twitter, ALOT. tried to send SMS's re: ZOMGSOBOREDHELP. and failed. I also flicked through my work book alot (can't actually answer anything without seeing some, you know. actual patients. or whatever), reapplyed my lipgloss 10-35 times.

i scammed free food in the morning but missed out on nice looking yoghurt & muffins. also, missed out on free food at lunch. am majorly disappointed.

i counted 3 pictures of the pope. keep in mind, i spent most of my day in the 1 room.

um, so i learnt nothing. lets hope it gets better.

OH WAIT, i know where alot of fire extinguishers are. for some reason they liked to point them out in the orientation tour.

...right.

the future or otherwise.

2009-05-04T23:23:00.002+10:00

Scrap that, I have no idea what I want.

I've pretty much decided what I want to do, and it scares me. Because wanting and getting aren't the same thing, obvs.

The whole process seems to be centered around choosing what you want to do. And who with, but its a total lie. We're not the ones that get to do the picking.

There are three places I'd be happy to be at next year. But taking the risk for #1 & #2 means saying goodbye to option #3. And, so while I've pretty much had it sorted 2 weeks ago, I still don't know if its the right thing to do.

I don't know if this is the same as the end of school. Where there's so much focus on the 4 digits & the decimal point. Like, it won't really matter in the end anyway. Because no one cares after the fact. But next year is going to be tough, no doubt about it. The perks of full time work are hopefully being able to switch off when you leave the 9-to-5. And the perks of studying? Having an excuse not to deal with everything else/have a real job. And next year? Its the worst of both worlds. And I realise, these 4 years of 'preparing' for the real world and probs for the most part irrelevant ("i can draw the chemical structure of cholesterol! will that help?").

Everyone I asked at the careers thing basically told me the same thing. You've got to think about where you wanna be in 10 years time, and go with that. My instinct says, um... I have issues picking an outfit in the morning (admittedly, its kinda difficult when you've got 60+ dresses, but lets talk about that some other time/you can yell at me later). But the truth is, I have a vague idea, jobwise anyway. Which makes me not want to go there even more. The only thing I remember from the careers counselling crap we did in high school was that the average person makes about 6 career changes in their lifetime, so whatever everyone. I just want to see something different, even if its within pharmacy. Because I'm the kid who's only ever worked in pharmacy (working for my parents doesn't count, except: oh my god please don't ever make me play secretary, even if I do type fast)

I don't know if its true, but I'm under the impression that switching from A to B is alot easier than the other way round. So, if I'm gonna end up doing B anyway, why not try A out for a little while first. So what if I am maybe wasting my time, yeah?

This is the part where even though you have no idea what I'm talking about, you reassure me. Or, persuade me otherwise, b/c I only have a few days left to chicken out.

dot points.

2009-04-21T10:41:00.000+10:00

You know what? I've got stuff to say. But by the time I get to the computer, I'm not feeling it anymore. Or I get distracted by nearby shiny things. Or I've forgotten. Lets do this in dot points shall we?

1. Firstly, these are not dot points. These are numbers. Good going marlene. Moving on.

2. When did we last speak? Its been so long. I don't even remember. Oh, I see. Well, there was uni. Then there was placement. It was not exciting. I did not get any $$, but I did get some perfume. The perfume was described as a masculine scent feminised. I do not know what that means and I'm still not sure if they were trying to say something or not.

3. I left that perfume at my old house. Yeah, we moved. It was a disaster. I complain to anyone that listens. Especially, but not limited to, the entirety of Jungle when its early/empty.
3a) I have no bed.
3b) THERE IS NO INTERNET.
3c) Its pretty, but I feel as if I am not allowed to use anything. We have 2 kitchens. The microwave has recently moved from the normal kitchen to the garage. I do not know where anything is, but I made a kick arse pasta sauce on Sunday night regardless.
3d) I do not know where anything is.

4. I have 3 weeks off starting next week. I hope this means we can play! Except I may have accidently told my boss about this. She was VERY excited, clapped her hands and proclaimed that it was the best news she'd heard all day. She may or may not have squealed a bit. My perceptiveness leads me to suspect that this means I may be working alot.

5. Yesterday, my horoscope told me that I need to build a ladder of hopes to get me out of my hole of self doubt. For some reason, Jonathan (fucking) Cainer has been spot on lately(with the exception of that horoscope right there). I still do not like him.

6. Right now, I'm supposed to be forming words into sentences. Actually, I was supposed to do that last night, but I knit a bit and then went to sleep instead. Either way, its not going particularly well. I do not really know/understand what I'm writing about. I hope that won't be a problem?

7. Since the last post, I have also managed to lose consciousness & fall over (in that order). I should probably get that checked out or something.

8. I am not sure why I like city library so much, considering it appears to be full of creeps/theives who like to talk to me.

Examples:
Creepy Guy #42: "You type really fast. Did you want to go get a coffee?"

Creepy Guy #42, again: "Oh, so you're studying pharmacy. Maybe you could check me out some time."

Creepy Guy #165: "Hello, How are you?", M: "Good" *backs away*, CG: "Are you from Japan?", M: "No.", CG: "Where are you from then?", M: "Melbourne." CG: "Oh, so near Japan." I would like to point out, just in case, that this exchange is occuring IN Melbourne.

I don't understand the way people ask what country I'm from, like no really, where are you actually from/where were you born etc. It makes me more determined to say Australia. Also, how people ask what my "real" name is. Because, y'know the name written on my birth certificate isn't real enough for them.

9. The word creeps made me think of crepes.

I um, hate pharmacology/pharmaceutics. Oh, and I have short hair. Over and out.

centre place

2009-03-13T11:23:00.006+11:00

i've been hiding out at the library alot. again. i do this often. these days i'm doing more people-watching than studying. and more tweeting than lectopia-ing. but whatever. here's the view from my seat.i took that with my laptop and now everyone thinks i'm a weirdo. but whatever, now that we're all caught up on where i am right this second; wanna hear what happened yesterday?

First of all, I forced the sun to shine with my summery attire. The people rejoiced and gave me chocolate for my efforts. I know, amazing right?

this is me not studying among the study-ers. look my hair matches my scarf! i don't know why.

The other thing that happened left me confused for at least 2 and a half lectures. A random stopped me on the way to the tramstop & I, quasi-typically tried to do the avoid eye contact/brush off. It didn't work. She was trying to find the 'chemist' (which was right in front of her). When showed her, she seemed not to believe me and proceeded to tell me about her feelings and how she thought she might be pregnant and therefore needed a test to check. i was like, yeah you can get one in there. but she still seemed confused. so i had to take her in and show her/explain how to use it.

Seriously, why me? I spent the next 5 minutes checking that i wasn't still wearing my pharrmacy name badge (the one that save's the uni's arse if i accidentally kill someone while slave labouring). Then I realised how weird she probs thought i was afterwards. Helpful, but weird all the same. I just don't get how out of all the people on the street you'd pick me to ask about that sorta thing. I mean, I look about 12. No one believes that I've finished high school. Patients at the hospital were lovely, but also probably wondering why they let the small children talk to them. I still don't understand. But I'm also starving, which is more important right now.

flame trees

2009-03-03T11:41:00.004+11:00

I have this other unfinished blog post, which has now been rendered irrelevant. Since, well, I'm no longer in geelong.

I'm back at uni for 2 weeks and then off to do some more slave labor. I don't think this kinda thing is good for my health. Anyway, so I just tried to open the website for the pharmacy i'm going to. And it won't load, so basically I'm largely unimpressed, already. Check back for irregular updates of my unimpressed-ness, coming to you maybe some time in the future.

I hate not being able to work at my own work while I'm on placement. Seriously, I dreamt about working when I was in geelong, did I mention that? Yeah, loser much?

So. So far today, instead of doing what I set out to do, which was say... write this non-assignment reflective essay (which I can't do, because the question is basically besides BLAH what else do pharmacists do. and i don't know what they mean by BLAH. so there's a problem), I've emailed sylvie, facebooked, opened and closed twitter several times, sms-ed gemma and started watching dollhouse. oh and i had a coffee. good work!

So did anyone else get that sms from Vic Police about the extreeeemes of conditions? Yeah me too. I hear some people actually replied. "O, thx 4 dat. I wuz thinkin of having a BBQ 2nite. But guess nt. Wht u up 2?" really guys? Its meant to be 32 degrees today, but last i checked it was raining. And I may/may not have just heard thunder.

Okay, time to go.
....and post!

felt like the start of something bigger

2009-02-15T15:06:00.001+11:00

12/02/09
So did I mention I'm in geelong? Maybe, who knows. Expect this post to be written over the course of forever, because I don't even have the internet. Mostly I'm too cheap to pay for wireless broadband since i'm never ever gonna use the thingymibob you plug in ever again after this. Luckily I kick Tho off his laptop alot. This keeps me from going insane/having withdrawals. I have no idea where tho is, but thanks tho!

I've been 'working' at the hospital for 3 days now. I use the term working very loosely. Obvs this is placement, so I'm learning stuff too yeah? Anyway, this is much less slave labour and slightly more being-in-the-way. Skills I've learnt so far include: trying to stand as far out of the way as possible. Also, my blood sugar is kinda amazing, so I'm gonna keep eating candy. This false sense of security will probably give me diabetes and um, yeah... that's all I've got. Things I've found amusing include: the chute system thing where you can send little canisters around the hospital. They get sucked up (it even makes a sucking/whooshing noise) and it makes me giggle. Also, I found a tablet counter! You throw tablets in and the machine tells you how many. Apparently its super old school, but its totes AMAZING. I am super imprest. That's a stupid pun. I'm gonna go hide in the corner now.

---

14/02/09
Its saturday now. I ran away home because everyone who brought a car was going home. And I didn't particularly like the idea of being stranded. So I caught a lift back home. I don't really know what the deal is, but I'm already sick of placement. And I get this feeling its only gonna get worse.

Here's the thing though. The actual placement hasn't been that bad. Its kinda like the opposite of warrnambool. I'm not being used and abused, mostly because I don't actually know anything. So the actual being at the hospital is okay. But I'm over living in like a college, with shared living/cooking/laundry areas. I mean, we don't even have an oven. like what's up with that?!

---

15/02/09
I think the real deal is I've always been able to say: I don't know where I wanna go/what I wanna do, I mean, I've never even worked in hospital. I don't know what its like. What do pharmacists even do in hospitals? What if I love/like it? And well, now... I can't. My cop out/don't think about the future/whatevs gonna happen next option doesn't exist anymore. I've been, I've seen and I still don't know. I expected for some reason that I would have at least some idea. That way I could get my shit together and figure it out. But obvs that's asking for alot.

I'm scared of having to choose one way or another.

I guess I hoped this would change everything.

You know what has changed my life though? This:

yeah that lion is totally eating like, a whole goat. okay i exaggerate, only half a goat. i have pictures of goats with heads, but i won't show you.

I'm possibly scarred forever.

Here are some less disturbing photos from our excursion to the zoo:

lost+found

2009-02-05T02:19:00.002+11:00

Clearly I'm an awful blogger. I was gonna say that it's because I haven't been doing anything, but really, I didn't do anything in Vietnam either, and i managed to blog about it then. So really, I have no excuse.

Since returning to Melbourne, I have:
- Worked alot. Over the last 2 days though, 'working' meant cutting out alot of love hearts.Which shamefully, I love/hate. I'm guessing I've cut out about 400. For reals. I was also (jokingly, I think) offered a job in Darwin. My marketable skills include typing fast, dressing nice and extreme heart cutting skillz. These clearly mean I am going to be a super dooper fantastic pharmacist, you know, one day.

- Eaten ice cream for breakfast. It was peach/yoghurt with strawberry stuff. Obvs because it was yoghurty/fruity I was able to pretend it was also nutritous. I mean, like... people eat yoghurt and fruit for breakfast right? Mine was just frozen. In my defence it was the day after I got back and the only things we had in the fridge was a 6-pack & a bottle of coke. I had to go OUT to get the ice cream. Later that day I had dodge tattersall's lane dumplings & beer. Amazing. See?

- I also did alot of boring errandy things. These include: the things I should've done when my wallet was actually stolen, searching for the right highlighters (bic briteliners are shit btw, don't do it) & making trips into the city to buy my sister text books/visit uni for 2.5 seconds because they need to physically see the ORIGINALS to believe I'm not a criminal.

- Not yet unpacked. Its really freaking difficult to unpack when your things are spread across 8 suitcases. I thought I had most of it. But I'm missing about 4 tshirts and a skirt. That um, I can think of. There's probably more. But these things are new, so ... also i apparently left some clothing behind in Vietnam. Not by accident, but because we couldn't fit it in. Not even with the rolling. Come to think of it, those things are probably squished under a speaker. Yeah, still.

- Celebrated ~~Chinese~~ Lunar New Year. Well not really. I worked that day. I totally jumped when I was offered that shift, not because it was Lunar New Year but because it was Australia Day, and hello double pay! I actually had no idea the 2 were on the same day this year. My mum was none too pleased. I mention this yearly, but whatever you do that day reflects on the rest of your year apparently. I don't know what the problem was though... I'm okay with double pay for the rest of the year.

- Melted. 44 degrees for several consecutive days. Enough said.

- Knitted a beret/thing. Clearly something about 44 degree weather shouts "knit something warm and wintery!" Seriously, what is wrong with me? Although, today I saw a similarly handknit thing selling for $50, so um, does anyone wanna buy it?

- Played guitar hero.

Today I:
- sms'ed step-by-step instructions on how to draw an atom. This could mean that my sister's chem teacher is fooled into thinking she actually understands chemistry.

- discovered that there's another waffle on. HOW did I not know this? I wish waffle on still lived up to the expectations I have in my mind. As in, exactly as amazing as they were in high school and as cheap as they were then too.

- went to the lost & found market and bought an adorable vintage apron. Now all I wanna do is bake rainbows, cookies, sunshine, cupcakes with sprinkles, apple tarts, and hand make puff pastry. Any volunteers for dish duty?

- right now i'm trying to figure out how to get to the zoo by public transport, this involves the same tram stop that takes me to uni. Twice in 2 days? I was probably there less when I had actual classes. Incase you were wondering:

1	Continue along	Royal Pde	10 m	about 1 min
2	Turn left at	Walker St	220 m	about 4 min
3	Turn slight left at	Unnamed Road	300 m	about 5 min
4	Turn right at	Elliott Ave	60 m	about 1 min
5		Unnamed Road	10 m	about 1 min

Thanks metlink! unnamed roads? Sure, no problem.

Tomorrow:
- I need to go get to the bank and reset my pin. Because, uh. I don't know it. Problem much?

- Buy picnic-y things & take my sister to the zoo to see some giraffes with super long eyelashes, baby elephants & try to leave her with the monkeys. Then we're gonna feast & watch kmh/the verses. Its gonna be amazing. We won't get lost. Maybe I can get a pet puma? Yeah?

I'm. Really. Hungry.

in hiding

2009-01-20T11:58:00.005+11:00

I'm trying really unsuccessfully to hide out while my ~~parents~~ dad pack. He's alternating between accusing me of not being able to get my shit together and mumbling about how much there is to do and how its all on him. Unfortunately, he's chosen to pack on the floor right behind me, anddddd there isn't internet anywhere else, so I'm not moving. I think my mum's trying to hide too. This is because, without fail, my dad unpacks everything anyone else has packed & repacks it, all the while telling us how fail we are. He likes to roll everything up. And while I appreciate that's the best way to pack more in, sometimes there's not all that much stuff and you end up with too much space and your things roll around.

This time however, we seem to have ended up with ALOT of stuff. Here are 3 things I can see:
- Speakers. Four of them. I'm trying to figure out how much they weigh without getting too close, I can't see, but they're direct/reflecting speakers. I don't know what that means. But they're big.
- Oh hey! Look! Its the 6 tops i bought for $15. Unfortunately, they're all the same shade of purple.
- Light fittings? Seriously, what is this?

Cya in Australia/somewhere in between/whatevs

pee ess, Happy Birthday to Crystal!

i lost count.

2009-01-12T04:33:00.001+11:00

I'm writing from my hotel room in Nha Trang. We arrived here bright and early this morning, having left home at the totally decent hour of 4:30 am. But don't worry, we took the easy road, and flew instead of going with the 10+ hour drive. ~~Probably on a dirt road.~~ So its all good. I have no idea what's so special about this place, since the last time I was here was 12 years ago... so i did the logical thing and wiki-ed it.

Wiki says: It is well known for its pristine beaches and excellent scuba diving and is fast becoming a popular destination for international tourists, attracting large numbers of backpackers as well as more affluent travelers on the Southeast Asia circuit. It is already very popular with Vietnamese tourists. Nha Trang Bay is amongst the world's most beautiful bays.

I was also told by the hotel staff who picked us up that we'd just missed Miss World. Who apparently has been staying here and just left this morning. Apparently she smiled alot and didn't talk much. And then I read: Nha Trang was the site of the Miss Universe 2008 Pageant that was held on July 14, 2008.

So um, obviously I've been living under a rock, yeah?

So far...
- I got 3 mosquito bites in the 1st 10 minutes. I was eating breakfast. They were eating me. Some list some doctor printed out for me which I pretty much ignored said that you can get malaria in Nha Trang. Don't have to worry so much in the city. Obvs I ignored all the advice right? I mean, preventing malaria? What a drag. I'm just gonna drink vodka tonics. One of the 4-5 things I learnt at uni last year was that people used to drink gin and tonics cos it prevented malaria tranmission. Its all in the blue-quinine-y sheen of the tonicness.

This is not Nha Trang.

- I met some Australians! I was trying to squish my way back to some stall my mum was back at, mumbled something like "Excuse me. Sorry. You're right." And the guy was slightly in shock and blurted out to his sister "She speaks normally!". Yeahhh... Hi guys... That's cos I'm from Australia. We became BFFLs for approximately 5 minutes. I don't know their names, but fuck, I miss home.

also not nha trang. somewhere in between phan thiet

- I went on a chanel 2.55 hunt. Yes, my sister is still looking for that bloody bag. We came close the day before yesterday in Saigon, except they didn't have black. And my sister has her heart set on black. Fussy fussy fussy. Found some similarish ones today, but they were were the 'reissue' version. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. But I had to go after some random lady who HAD the bag to ask where she got it. I'm pretty sure I scared her/made her think I was trying to steal from her or something, because unforts she didn't understand english very much. Or Vietnamese. Or German. I ran out of languages after that. But I think we deduced that her sister bought it for her from France. Or she was from France. Something about France anyway.

random sand dunes, mui ne

- I bought some sweeet glasses for $6. They pretty much look exactly like my glasses but navy. Only my glasses cost about $294 more. Being half blind is expensive y'know? Salesperson originally said they were $16. Absolute ridic. I probably would've tried to buy it for $10. My mum is the bargain master. Except she called after us the first time we walked away. I reckon we could've gotten it for $ 5. Seriously. On the topic of things I bought today : 2 skirts and a ring.

actual photo of nha trang.

- Blackout! Last time this happened it was the night before some exam. I don't remember which. But I spent alot of time smsing the people I'd been emailing/chatting/whining/ranting to about exams to complain more,omg fail! and to let them know I was still alive, and hadn't done the sensible thing and turned off my computer to study. I then spent alot of time playing with candle wax and trying to position the light on my phone so i could see. Only to have it automatically switch off every 2 minutes. Damn energy conservation! This time, we waited around in the lobby, being assured it would be fixed soon. Really soon. We waited. And waited. Got fed up and went to the beach. I nearly stepped on a syringe. We sat around some more. Two hours later, we gave up hope and walked the 9 flights of stairs to our room. The power came back on like, 10 minutes later.

Tomorrow I plan to lounge around, watch gilmore girls/greys anatomy, find a book to read that's actually in english and take advantage of the free wireless. My sister plans to wake up just in time for the buffet breakfast, eat a lot of bacon and going straight back to bed, she will also take advantage of the internet. My mum plans to wake up super early, go for a walk along the beach, suss out if its gonna rain or not and then drag the family on a tour to monkey island. I'm guessing she's gonna win.

t w e n t y t h r e e

2008-12-26T01:49:00.005+11:00

We're on the bus to Phan Thiet at the moment. We've been driving since 7:30, apparently it's 11:30 now. I don't know how much longer there is to go. My sister's playing her DS, and losing. And there are alot of dragon fruit trees going on outside my window. Also, I've noticed that every cow i see has this white bird near it. Like, they're just hanging out together. the white bird just sorta stands obediently by its side. I have no idea why this is.

Some road rules:

- People wear helmets now! its amazing. these helmets don't look particularly safe or anything. and they're hardly ever buckled up, but they exist now. Apparently they have for a year now. the birthday of the helmet passed recently. Though, I'm told that you only have to wear a helmet if you're riding a motorcycle, not if you're riding a bike. wtf?

random. what happened to the 'sun'?

- Sometimes, the green man means you're semi safe to go. I still nearly get run over alot, because apparently, or so I'm told, bikes/motorcycles don't have to listen to the traffic lights. Apparently you get less traffic jams this way. I am thinking this is entirely untrue. But highly annoying, because it means I have a less valid reason to fume and yell 'rude!'.

- I've mentioned this, but everyone drives on the wrong side of the road. My sister observed that we've been driving in the left hand lane for approximately 2 hours. They drive on the right here btw. The other night, we were stuck in traffic, and I was already late - the taxi driver cut across the left hand lane of oncoming traffic and drove on the sidewalk. I kid you not. I was terrified. We tipped him well.

this christmas tree was made of beer bottles. that's my kinda christmas spirit.

- Right now there's a kid half hanging out the door/window of the bus in front of us. We're driving on a freeway or whatevs.

I'm hungry. Are we there yet?

sixteen, seventeen

2008-12-18T14:53:00.005+11:00

My sister's really sick. Spent most of last night/yesterday sitting up with her and mum trying to cool her down. She says things like 'its so hot turn off the heater please'. I'm pretty sure there isn't a single heater in this entire country. She's sleeping now.

Went to visit my dad's parents yesterday. We were meant to stay the night but my sister got sick, and they're kinda far from the hospital etc. so we went back home. Just in case.

I've noticed there's a disproportionately large number of stores specialising in maternity wear here. Is everyone preggers? I never noticed. Its just that, well my eye sight isn't all that great, and I often look across the street to see something that looks kinda cute, only to realise upon closer inspection that it's actually a maternity dress. I'm hoping this reflects the weird number of stores, and not my taste in clothing.

---

I think everyone is sick of being here already. I really wish I could be like," omg guys, having so much fun. Best time of my life! Don't have time to blog. Bye!" But we're all kinda bored. My dad's only been here for 2 days and even he doesn't know what to do with himself. Mum is like: "This time it isn't fun. I want to go back. I don't think we'll be going to Vietnam again for awhile." And then she formulated an escape plan which involved running away to a hotel in the city, where we are now but check-out time is in half an hour. My sister's gone back to sleep. Its like a vacation from our vacation.

Its not that this is a bad place to be on vacation, but we don't get to leave home all that much. Have I mentioned there's a lot of eating/sleeping/eating/eating/sleeping in this country? Probably. That's probs why I've blogged more than ever, despite having not that much to blog about. I'm also only doing the annoyed day whatevs blog titles because I need some way to keep track of how many days have passed. Seriously, I've lost all track of space and time here. I don't know what day of the week it is. But lets be honest, even with this, I have no idea.

I feel like we have alot of things to do at home, and nothing to do here. I feel as if we could be doing alot of more productive things, such as: find a cure for cancer, clean my room, write some lists and repaint my nails. Also, I still wouldn't mind actually working. Is it wrong that I want to work, and in retail no less at christmas time? I think my parents' workaholic tendancies are rubbing off on me. I think this is also why they are bored, they need stuff to do. When my mum brought up the boredom with her sister, my aunt said "This is a holiday, you're supposed to do nothing. That's why they call it a holiday." Erm, is this what you all do on holiday? I don't get it. Can I do nothing on the beach please?

For Christmas we're going to run away to Phan Thiet with my mum's friend's family. We've done this before, like awhile ago. From what I remember I liked it. But I don't actually remember it at all. Then we're going to Nha Trang. I haven't been there since like, 1996 but apparently its super touristy now.

Okay, its time to go. The phone's ringing and I'm pretty sure its the hotel staff telling us to get the hell out.

day whatevs til now. o7 - 14?

2008-12-16T17:48:00.000+11:00

Its raining here now. The weather's weird, and so, everyone is sick. I was miserable and whine-y for a day or so, but I'm starting to feel okay now. I hope. I tell myself I'm not sick at all. Because of this we haven't really been anywhere/done anything. Today I went to the supermarket, seriously, that was probably the highlight.

My dad gets here tonight, so I suppose that means we've gotta go visit his family. Which, just between me and you, I'm dreading a little bit.

Everyone is siesta-ing. Its highly annoying since things close, but I subscribe to it erratically, since I have nothing else to do. Its weird though - I feel as if this constant eat/sleep/eat thing they've got going on would make you fat. But everyone here is teeny tiny. I often get told when asking for a larger size that whatever it is - is a one-size-fits-all. But apparently not me. The only thing I've supposedly got going for me is that i'm white/pale, which the pushy shop assistants claim looks good with whatever colour I'm trying on. They're very anti-tan here, they have whitening creams! Oh and I'm 'tall'. Whatevs.

Speaking of the buying, I went that market I fainted at last time, and bought some $8 work shoes that will probably fall apart in 1-3 months, 6 dresses for well under $100 and a $2.50 bra. I have to go pick up one of the dresses today because as previously mentioned I don't fit into anything here, and had to get a zip put in, but they alter shit for free, so hurrah! Oh, and I caved and bought mascara (i forgot to bring one, even though i have about 75) at the supermarket today. How annoyingly girly.

Also, I'm still being molestered by mosquitos, still. I've gotten 3 mosquito bites writing this post. Insect repellant doesn't seem to work. Or maybe it does work - I'm too scared not to use it, just in case. Can I get malaria here? I probably should've looked into that. Should I still be afraid of bird flu? I don't know. I just won't hug any chickens, yeah?

Dip. Dip. There's a party on the hill, would you like to come?

2008-12-13T02:08:00.002+11:00

So I was just complaining to myself about how I've run out of stuff to write about, and Crystal has come along and solved my problem/made my life more difficult by tagging me to write about my unspectacular quirks.

The Rules:
1. Link the person who tagged you.
2. Mention the rules on your blog.
3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours.
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them.
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger's blogs letting them know they've been tagged.

I feel like there should be another rule since everything about this is done in sixes. I'm almost compelled to make one up.

o1. I eat fruit with salt.
You probably won't find me adding salt to my dinner at the table, however I do eat it with fruit. Weird, no? I get a lot of looks when I ask for salt just as the random free fruit platter comes out at the restaurant. I used to think it was an asian thing, since they're quite into their sweet/savoury pairings, but even they give me strange looks, so really I think I just picked it up from my mum. Its not all fruit. Salt with any berry is weird, bananas are out of the question, but apples, oranges, jackfruit etc its all fair game. And its a must with watermelon, seriously. Don't diss it, you have to let it settle/soak in for a second, but then it makes everything taste sweeter. I swear! I don't feel like I've ever converted anyone on this.

o2. I leave home unnecessarily early for uni.
I'm talking like, an hour and a half unnecessarily early. Just so I have alot of time to sit down for coffee, read my horoscope, whine and pretend to study. Ironically, despite getting to the CBD at least an hour before class starts, I'm usually late for said class(es) because I get distracted trying to con someone into giving me chocolate or marshmallows, instead of decorating cupcakes with them. Or am too busy complaining about how much I hate Johnathan Cainer. Either way, it takes me about 30 minutes of saying "I really should leave now/should probably have left 10 minutes ago/my class starts in 5 minutes I should go/I think I'm already late for class" before I'm actually on a tram.

o3. I'm fairly anti-aircon.
Its just really artificially cold and makes me feel abit sick. My relatives here are really confused by this. They're all like, "But you come from a cold country! How do you stand the cold there?" Winter cold is a completely different type of cold. My uni likes to make my life more difficult by being overly enthusiastic with the heating/cooling systems. Its like they like to waste money. If its anywhere in the vicinity of 'warm' they'll blast the aircon, howevs if its 'cool' they'll turn the heater up so high you can barely breathe. As a result I wear alot of layers, carry a jacket all the time, and wear scarves that double as shawls/blankets. Also, the thing to change the temperature settings resides on the roof. Makes sense, no? As a result, I don't think just anyone is qualified to change it. They probably need to hire some guy to do it. But don't, which is why its constantly ridiculous.

o4. I'm really picky about stationary.
Last year I rediscovered my love for Bic Classic finepoint pens. I sort of maybe refuse to use anything else. I buy these by the box. Before that I liked these pharmaceutical company pens - you know the ones that drug reps give to doctors etc? So, I might be drowning in them at work, but um..., I like these ones made by this Vietnamese drug company. Way to like things that aren't difficult to obtain, at all. Also, I can't study without highlighters. To be even more annoying I have this colour coordination thing going on. Purple is a really bad highlighter colour since its too dark - so I use it like a texta for big umbrella headings. Pink for headings, Orange for subheadings, Yellow for in text highlighting, Green for examples, Blue for definitions, Purple again for equations. So that was to much information, but now you know. I feel like no one understands me on this - but at least my notes look pretty.

o5. 80% of the time I have block of Lindt chocolate stashed in my bag.
Its always some variety of dark chocolate, and we all know that has antioxidants so it CAN'T be bad for me right? At some point i probably went through 3 blocks a week. That's weekdays. Despite this chocolate obsession, I weirdly never eat chocolate at home, I think it has something to do with the fact that I didn't like chocolate as a kid. Boy am I making up for it now. So on the holidays the chocolate goes untouched. My waist seems to feel indifferently about this. Mint is my favourite. I like the chilli chocolate as well. The new pear flavour confused me completely. And I usually don't like orange chocolate but Green and Black's Maya Gold chocolate is pretty amazing. That's what's in my bag the other 20% of the time. I still hate Lindt cherry chocolate, no matter what you say.

o6. I don't wear pants.
Actually, a pushy sales assistant forced me to try on some pants that matched the jacket i tried on the other day. But besides that, it's been awhile. I don't really know why. It was an unconscious decision. I think I discovered stockings and learnt that my legs weren't colder. Sort of like when you realise getting your ears pierced doesn't hurt that much, so then you want more. Obviously I couldn't think of anything else to write about.

Um, so pretty sure I don't actually know 6 bloggers that haven't already been tagged for this. So I'm only going to tag 3. Plus, Crystal did it too, so there! I'm tagging: my beautiful year 12 buddy Vi, my lover - that girl, & last but not least, haivee.

o5 and o6

2008-12-09T04:19:00.003+11:00

Yesterday we went to Vung Tau, to visit my aunt who lives there. She's the one that surprise visited us the other day. She's a nun and lives there with y'know, the other nuns. They run like a hotel, and use the money to teach the poor/orphaned kids and help the elderly there who have no one to look after them. They're also completely adorable.

We had lunch there, and then we hung out at the beach (i think most people slept), and everyone was too lazy to go exploring. Losers.

The nuns also make candied fruit etc to sell. They have alot of fruit trees, which they used to use, but um, there was a massive storm/hurricaine in 2007, and the trees have never fully recovered. Anyway, they were so cute! I think its rude to call them 'cute' but they so were! They kept feeding me the candied fruit, like "They don't have this over there, does she know how to eat it? Try it!" and then when i could they kept GIVING me all this stuff to take home. I felt like i was robbing them. They also showed me all the stuff they were doing, one brought out all these little bags she was making for the kids for chirstmas/new years. Like these bags were made out of material scraps, like no bigger than a few ribbons that she joins together to make the bags. She was like its such a waste to throw away the materials, so i make things for the kids. Do you like them? You can have one, go on choose.

this is the place next door, that hasn't yet been fixed up, obvs.

Also, I saw approx 2 turned-over trucks on the way there. It was only a 3 hour drive, and I was asleep for probs an hour or so.

---

Today I bought alot of stuff. I'm trying to buy myself a hot corporate wardrobe for when i become hot and corporate - as in never, because pharmacists don't dress cool. I really should've thought that career choice through a bit more. The pharmacist jacket doesn't sit very well. I wonder if I could get one tailored? yeah? No seriously, I bought about 8 shirts (they were cheap! like $8.50) and a jacket for like $15, and a dress for the same amount. That's like, a lot of stuff. In my defence, I'm sharing all of the shirts except 1 with my mum. I still haven't bought shoes. Am working on it.
Then we went to Saigon again to shop, etc. My sister got some clothes. I got confused by Christmas, again; and by how anyone here can afford anything.

Other places we were touristy:
- Gloria Jeans
- Louis Vuitton, Burberry, Gucci (again); anyone notice a theme here? But more importantly, look at cinderella and prince whatever! charming? I'm trying to curtsy, like a disney princess, but i have no skirt. Also, the doorman was dressed like prince charming!
- Saigon Centre
- Diamond Plaza

Mosquito Bites: 11, i think.

Also, of importance. We crossed the road by ourselves today (my mum and I)! For some reason I think she was more scared than I was. I don't know why. And so I present to you,

Marlene's Guide to Crossing the Road in Vietnam:
Since road rules and lanes appear to be of no significance here, you should probably be scared. But fear is healthy. If its your first time, do it with someone from Vietnam. Hold their hand, close your eyes and shuffle slowly across. I'm not joking.

If you're going this alone, its probably best that you open your eyes, howevs, it will be scary looking. No one here believes in giving way. Pedestrian crossings mean nothing here, ps. Don't mistakenly step onto one expecting cars to stop for you, they won't. You'll die. Same goes for the green man, He exists now! I was so shocked when i saw one i had to take a photo.

So crossing the road is easy! You just have to kinda like feeling slightly suicidal. What you do is, even if there are cars/motorcycles/bikes (and trust me on this, or you'll be waiting forever) step out onto the road. Its perfectly normal to wince/be a bit jumpy. And basically you walk slowly across, waiting for the traffic to swerve to avoid you. This isn't too dangerous, since they drive a speedy 15-25km/h around here. Some people are bastards though, and don't avoid you. I suggest you glare at them alot. As I said though, road rules mean nothing, so look both ways, even if you're on a one way street.

day o3 & o4

2008-12-07T03:30:00.000+11:00

last night my grandfather showed me a totally ancient radio and alarm clock. they used to be my mum's like, 30 years ago. then he whipped out some certificates (awards and the like) of hers when she was in high school. they're so old! people have nice writing.

the radio still works apparently, my uncle just bought some batteries for it, and its making staticy sounds! i'm amazed, even by that. they were telling me that after my mum and my aunt left Vietnam, news was hard to come by, so they'd secretly listen to the BBC at night on that radio, to hear, i suppose if they survived or not. i can't believe they weren't allowed to listen to the radio! well international radio. sometimes i forget about the communists. who're now probably gonna delete my blog or something right? good, cos like i don't know how this whole striving to blog more thing is going. omg! words! real words on the radio. i have to go stare at how old it is, and be amazed some more. bye!

---

this is a "mai" flower, it usually flowers around chinese new year time (late jan/early feb) but for some reason at least one plant at my grandfather's house flower suspiciously early/late whenever i visit. they joke its just for me (my vietnamese name is mai linh).

so that was yesterday, that was probably the highlight of my day. we had people over, so we didn't go anywhere and ate alot. i had/have no idea who they were. i just smiled alot and people seemed pleased that i could respond when they asked me if i understood vietnamese.

we also haven't really done much today either... apparently we're going out to dinner tonight or something. i spent most of the day playing yoshi touch and go on my sister's DS.

i also cracked the shits when my mum insisted on buying me a dress. we went to some shop like down the street, and i tried on a few things. they were nice enough, but i'm a bit scared. everything here is very flash. i couldn't buy work shoes because plain black shoes without a heel don't seem to exist. its gotta either have bows or flowers or sparkly bits. the clothing is kidna the same. its all frills and lace and BOWS and awkward bits that are comnpletely unnecessary. but you know, after awhile, you think maybe this isn't so bad. but only because the certain thing you're looking at happens to have slightly less bows/dots/sticky outty bits/glitter/sequins IN COMPARISON to everything else around. So uh, i'm probably gonna end up buying lots of things i won't actually ever wear when i look at it in comparison to my normal clothing.

So we were in an actual shop, as oppossed to a market, and i don't think they let you bargain in shops. well not this one. we tried the - "So, if i buy three dresses...how's that gonna work out?" It didn't. If it was any consolation though, the girl said that if anything ever broke, we could bring it back and they'd fix it for free. I wonder if they'd pay for the plane ticket as well? Cos in that case, totes bargain. Anyway, the point is, the dresses were nice but they weren't Ahh-mazing, and they were in the $45-$55 dollar range, each. And if you know me, you'll know that 98% of my clothing cost me less than $20, at most. i'm telling you i have a top that cost 50 cents. Its nice too. I wear it out. The other 2% was probably marked down from like $300, but i probably bought it for < $100. No joke. So, i didn't really want three $50 dresses. i didn't even want one. but for some reason, my mum really wanted to buy me a dress. i feel like she's trying to make up for something. but i don't think she is. This is Vietnam, the stuff is meant to be cheap! So my argument was, that i wouldn't even buy a dress for that much in Australia, and so why would i do that here? I think she said something about no one else having the same dress. But whatever. The other thing is...my wardrobe is insanely massive. Its probably double the size of a normal person's wardrobe... and i have alot trouble fitting my clothing in there (side note: we're moving, and i saw what was marked out to be wardrobe space, and holy crap, nothing is going to fit in there). So because of the excessive amounts of material goods i own, i probably shouldn't spend too much money on even more clothing. I think the fact that i really didn't want her to buy the dress made her want to buy it more. Reverse pyschology much?

---

After dinner we drove in circles (literally), looking for some place that didn't exist. Or we'd been given the wrong address, either way. We'd given up, gotten out, and walked, heading for ice cream instead. Stopped outside Louis Vuitton, looked for my sister's bag, acted like tourists. Across the street, as we were leaving, there was a huge crash, and i watched as part of the Carvalle Hotel exploded and fell to the floor. We walked away and sat watching from a cafe across the street, while hundreds ran towards it to see what the commotion was all about. I watched as the police & ambulance arrived, as hundreds ran down the stairs, fleeing the hotel. I still don't know what it was (it was only an hour or so ago), but in this post 9/11 world, you know what my first thought was.

i'd like to add that i had the "grivil" ice cream, which was passionfruit ice cream in guava juice? it was weird.

day o2

2008-12-04T13:40:00.012+11:00

google's weird. facebook tells me everyone else is in the future. the vietnamese sim card changed my phone's language settings to vietnamese by itself, and i can't understand enough to change it back, so now i don't know how to save my phone number. plus they use big words. my mum couldn't do it either.

familly photo guys! that's everyone! well all of my mum's sisters, and they're on the phone to her brother. so that's everyone!

---

Marlene's Guide To Not Getting Ripped Off at the Market

I swear everything's more expensive than it used to be here. its supposed to be cheapcheapcheap! Like, more than double of what i remember things to cost, heaps worse than any of this inflation, CPI business. Also, the dollar is sucky, which doesn't help. So here's how not to lose at the markets, y'know, probably based on how i actually slipped up.

1. If you happen to be Vietnamese, try not to speak english. Try not to speak Vietnamese as well. they can tell! Just try not to speak at all. Which leads me to my next point.

2. If you know someone who lives in Vietnam and is actually Vietnamese, drag them along. Force them to do all the talking and bargaining. This saves you from the vendors hiking up the price at least twice. Its even worse if you're not asian. If they ask you where you're from, feign ignorance. My mum likes to pretend we're from Dalat, which is in the middleish of Vietnam, and slightly cooler - explaining our paleness. I fail at this, everyone thinks i'm Japanese/Chinese/Korean. Not saying excuse me, thank you, smiling too much or being too polite probably helps also.

3. Try not to whack your sister in the head too obviously when she starts speaking in english.

4. Try not to clutch onto your bags too obviously. But still, watch out for pick-pockets, esp if the market is squishy.

5. Never look too interested in what you actually want to buy. Defs do not squeal, OMG! I LOVE IT SO MUCH. It helps if you pick some sort of flaw with it. Or pretend to hate some aspect of it. For example, oh but look its scratched! even if you get me a new one it'll probs get scratched easily. its nice, except for that bit, if it didn't have that bit i'd like it.

6. Bargaining: Probs best if you start at roughly half of whatever it is they want for it. Things you could include:
- in response to the price: "No, tell me the truth now. Be serious, what's the price really?"
- if your friends like something from the same store, or you like more than one thing from that store: "How about if i buy lots/more than one thing?"
- if that fails "that other store offered me the same thing, for *insert price that is less than whatever they're offering, whether or not its true* and i even walked away from that."
- could also try: "it was cheaper over there" (usually they say that even though it LOOKS the same, theirs is superior quality etc. lies!) /"i bought from here last time, see i remember you, i'm such a good customer. discount please!"/"look i just stood here, and look at the luck i've brought you. look at all these other people who're at your store now! i'm good luck, you HAVE to give me a discount". seriously.

7. Don't believe anyone that tells you they have "fixed prices". Its never true. Everyone loves some bargaining. They account for it, they totally win big if you buy it for the marked price. Howevs, most things don't even have a marked price on purpose - that they can say whatever
they like.

8. Try not to get too attached to things you want. You need to walk away. Like actually, if they don't give you the price you want. 50% of the time they'll call you back and already have your stuff in a bag. If you really do like it, you can always come back and up the price a bit.

9. Try not to take obvious tourist photos like this in clear view of the vendors.

omg! its a really big pretend diamond! and a christmas tree! i don't know what its for! lets take a photo!

10. If you have specific wants, you're probably gonna fail. Like, my sister has photos of the fake-but-not-fake-looking bags she wants. Whereas i wanted nothing (except work shoes, which i didn't get), and got heaps.

---

Things consumed:
- pho, twice (that's my actual bowl, when i remembered halfway through)
- vietnamese iced coffee
- spring roll (yeah just one)
- rice, some green leafy vegetable
- papaya, custard apple and green star apple?
- croissant with cheeese
- chrysanthmum tea

we ate lunch at this chain called pho 24 which is kinda expensive - for vietnam, because my sister wanted air conditioning. the waiters are super attentive and it freaks me out. i want to eat on the street.

Places we acted like tourists:
- pho 24

- an dong market (or plaza like they like to call themselves) - old and new sections.

outside "an dong plaza". everyone seems to be REALLY into christmas atm, the last christmas i spent here, i don't remember it being so big. someone was playing christmas carols in our street, i'm scared.

Things i bought:

- 2 pairs of heels
- 2 shirts
- underwear - bras are kinda "expensive" now. i'm waiting to go to "ong ta" market to get some, where hopefully, i won't repeat the marlene-fainting-at-the-market- onto-a- pile-of-bras incident of '07.
- a fake LV wallet to replace the maybe fake, maybe not chanel one that was stolen

Mosquito bite count:
- three. i'm actually doing pretty well.

omg guys, i found peanut butter and chocolate oreos at the supermarket. i was VERY excited. i jumped around alot. i think my family were embarrassed. i thought they stopped making those! i can't find them in Australia anymore! they were a year 12 staple/constantly in my locker along with tea and migoreng! okay i think i have to go eat one now.

plane, day o1

2008-12-04T13:29:00.001+11:00

So we're on the plane there now. It really gets to me, my sister's reasons for not wanting to go are SO different from mine. She thinks she's above this. Better than this, better than everyone and the way they live. It's too hot, I don't want to sleep there. Do we have to stay? That hotel's only 3 stars? I can't comprehend why it doesn't make her grateful for what she's got. That this is her family, and they (have to) live like this every day? It makes me appreciate how lucky i am, to have what i have. She however, thinks she deserves everything she has and only wants more. She keeps talking about how excited she is to go back home, because of all the presents she's gonna get (Guitar hero world tour, 4 new perfumes, some other stuff i cant' remember) and i just want to slap her.

this is darwin airport. Pauline says: can we go duty free shopping? i'm so excited, buy me stuff!

I don't think she feels connected to Vietnam at all, but it means alot to me. Even before I'd ever been there, it was where my parents grew up; the setting for their childhood stories. I don't know much about the country's actual history, but i know where my mum went to school, which beach they used to holiday at , how my grandfather once owned the entire laneway they live in in now. How the three story house on the corner of that laneway was the one they lived in. How my mum had the entire third floor to herself at some point. These are her memories, but they're almost mine too.

My mum was my age when she left all of that. Left everything, with literally the clothes on her back etc. There's a ring she still wears that survived attack by Thai pirates, deserted islands with no food, etc. So i was talking to my mum about this the other day, and i was all like "I can't believe you were my age, I don't know anything about anything! I haven't lived! You had to grow up and stuff" and she was like "Well until then, I hadn't known anything either. My parents took care of everything." and then i wanted to cry. Because what i was trying to get at was, please stop being so overprotective and let me do stuff.

---

Day 1.

Things consumed:
- more petrol than necessary - Pauline didn't wanna walk. She prefers air conditioned taxis.
- hu tieu nam vang
- chao tom
- some other noodle-y soupy thing that we don't seem to have in australia
- coconut juice
- nem nuong

mind you, its only what? 4pm here? i need to start taking more photos, but my camera was running out of batteries.

say hello to the powerlines. everything here seems really unsafe, but everyone seems to get by just fine.

Places we acted like tourists:
- Saigon market where i bought pretty scarves and my sister searched for good fake bags, which i don't think actually exist here.
- Actual tourist places, where we attempted to book flights/tours to Hong Kong, still don't know how that's going. Probably not at all. Alot of these seem to be take a number wait your turn type things, that don't actually work. One place, accused us of not listening carefully enough when they skipped our number. In reality someone apparently pressed the wrong button or something. Rude. It was kinda hilarious though, because it took 20 minutes of sitting there to realise that after the vietnamese number, they actually read the numbers out in english. I'd totally win at their job.
- Chloe, Marc Jacobs and Gucci. Why? ask my sister.

the gucci store is insane. these places make my heart hurt.

Mosquito bite count: ~~zero. surprising.~~ spoke too soon, lets make that 1

Also, had a surprise visit from my aunt, who's a nun and lives an hour or 2 away. First time in ages all the girls in my mum's family had been together. My mum keeps saying, all the birds are flying back to the nest. We're just missing my uncle, who's in Vietnam atm, but visiting his in-laws.

So i'm gonna try to post about it, but probably actually wont. no expectations yeah?

money honey.

2008-12-01T20:33:00.006+11:00

i haven't posted in ages because i've been working on this other post for approximately forever. except, i'm having trouble spitting it out. i don't really know why. so i'm giving up and moving on. maybe some day.

so i'm leaving tomorrow. i ~~don't really~~ really don't want to go. everytime i say that, which is often, i feel like a spoilt brat. like i should be grateful because hello, overseas trip! and saying that i've already been to Vietnam four times, therefore it is boring doesn't help the spoilt brat case.

but what no one gets is that, Vietnam? its not a holiday. There's family, a lot of it. That's the whole point. Because we're all the way over here, mostly by ourselves, nearly everytime we i go overseas, its to Vietnam, cos if there's that money to spend on 'holidays' then we better see our family. Which is fair enough. I've been overseas 4 times, Vietnam each time. Once we stayed with friends in Malaysia for a few days on the way to Vietnam, besides that i've spent a few hours in the Thai airport, and a bit longer than that in Singapore. But that's it.

this was the work christmas party, ps.

And half of the family pull you in all sorts of directions, hug you and wanna be your BFFL, but really, they just want you to you ask your parents for more money for them, because ~~their kids are sick~~ they want a facial. Or like, maybe you could give them your phone number in Australia, so they can call and ask you to send more money. Obvs, this is behind our grandparents bbacks, because they could easily get the number from them? And it really really gets to me. I don't know if they realise how hard my parents work over here. If anything, they are totally burnt out and deserve a real holiday. My dad was meant to come with us, but he's gonna be another 2 weeks because of work. And I thought we were past this.

So i want to go to Vietnam, but more like an embarrassing tourist. Because I've barely seen this country, and i hear its kinda pretty.

Also, 7 weeks is a really long time.

if you sing a song, sing a song for them

2008-11-07T22:17:00.005+11:00

So my wallet was stolen a week and a half ago from the library. Obvs i've lost my faith in people etc. Also it was taken right out of my bag, which was on the floor next to me. Nice one karma, what did i ever do to you?

Here's what was in there, and why it wasn't worth the effort:
- $20 exactly. Two $10 notes. No coins. But you'd only find $10 if you didn't look hard enough. The other $10 was folded up, wrapped with paper, in an inner inner compartment, didn't really belong completely to me, and was supposed to be cake money the next time the CM's went out for dinner. Sorry kids, no cake for us.

- Weekly train ticket. This is pretty good actually. I only bought it that morning, and it was a concession ticket. But hey, i've been getting away with buying concession tickets and not being busted by the ticket inspectors since my wallet's been stolen. If I can do it, you can too! Actually i think there was a 5x weekend saver in there too. Think i only used that once as well.

- Broken pendant. Bought it in vietnam. Heartish shaped silver with a pearl. It was pretty, but broken, obvs. and only worth like $2. So sorry, you still lose.

- Alot of cards. Sorry did you want to steal my identity? you can be me? wanna sit my exams? you've gotta at least PASS them obviously, and you know. BONUS sleep deprivation and callouses from writing. I'll through them in, no extra cost! You can have some no-doz too. I won't need it if i don't have to sit the exams. Okay so my student ID wasn't in there. and you may need that to sit the actual exam, but you know. i'll lend it too you. just give it back, cos that flimsy piece of plastic costs $60 to replace. Cos they'll want at least some form of ID from me, if i'm forced to sit my exam, and oh, you've got my licence already. Other cards include: atm, medicare, health care, library, working with children and various random abandoned memberships. Sweet as.

- ticket stubs

- general clutter. including but not limited to: beads, business cards, defunct loyalty cards, reciepts, bobby pins and rubber bands.

So there's other stuff too. But I don't think I'm ready to talk. Let's just say I'm a scared. And a bit of a mess. But in better news, I only have one exam left.

in my head i replay our conversations, over and over until they feel like halucinations

2008-10-29T13:33:00.004+11:00

So likeeee, this whole placement thing. Its a learning experience y'know? They stick you somewhere (in my case the middle of nowhere! actually not really, it was pretty big, they had TWO coles'), in a position much like a 'job', foreign concept, no? And then; they don't pay you! At all! Not even in cookies! because you're learning! and knowledge is wealth! knowledge is better than wealth, and you'll be so full of it you'll almost burst/spontaneously combust! just wait till you try to buy a coffee with knowledge. and omg you better be fucking grateful! we give you (the lucky winner!) the opportunity to see what its like to work 43 hour weeks for no money! I have this theory, they're just setting us up, so that when we get jobs that actually pay, even if they're shit we'll all be like at least we get paid, unlike placement. So this, this is what i learnt. i'm gonna print it out, paint it green and try to buy a coffee and some lunch with it tomorrow.

Things I Learnt From Placement That I Sort of Already Knew.

I'm boring. And stuff.
My parents are pretty strict. I'm not allowed to sleep over. I can't stay out late. I can't catch public transport/taxi home by myself, esp when dark. I'm probs not supposed to date (unless he's like a doctor/lawyer/perfect boring kid), drink or any of that other stuff either. And so its totally expected that i go crazy without the parental supervision right? Nah uh, i think i'll just bake instead thanks. Make pastry from scratch? Sure! Heard of a supermarket, where you can buy these things pre-made? Clearly not. Annddd then i'll, pretend to study for 25 seconds just do some knitting/cross-stitch in front of the tv instead. I wish i was joking. This is really ruining my street cred.

WiniFred >>> LOTS

I am a caffeine addict.
There, I said it. I used to be all, totes not. I just like coffee. And I'd be all, adamant that I only drink coffee if its good, completely pointless otherwise right?! Plus coffee = marlene+horoscope time . I justify the statement that i'm not totally (only partially?) addicted by saying I only drink coffee on the weekdays. I don't on the weekends/holidays (ie. when i don't leave the house). What I didn't realise is that, at these times i DO NOT make use of my brain, and usually am not really required to function (library on the weekend = coffee; playing receptionist = no coffee). Whilst in countrytown, i discovered that holy shit, the coffee is horrible. Can someone say burnt dirty coffee water? Not only that, it was more expensive than in melbourne, go figure. And i kept trying, but it just wasn't working with me. It was crap everywhere i went. So then I drank instant. Only when i strugggling, still i'm not proud to admit it.

The world won't end if i don't read my horoscope.
Firstly, today's horoscope = hilarious, observe, "...You are trying to do something difficult. To achieve this requires ingenuity and intuition. You've got that. Now you just need to add the basic ingredients of sustained sanity. These comprise, as I am sure you know, of a healthy diet, good water to drink, space alone in which to think, and a decent night's sleep. Get those and the rest will prove no problem. " Ahhh, Johnathan Cainer, I'll always hate you.
So this one's pretty self explainatory, but i saved a few minutes every day (so I couldn't knit?).
On the otherhand, I was pretty bored, and felt a tiny bit empty on the inside.

I survived!
Obvs. And then i baked everyone cookies as thank yous. They were crazy/insane/really pretty. I should've taken photos.

Can't say i don't win at procrastination though. happy halloween?

If I lose myself try to stop me (stop me).

2008-10-28T00:49:00.008+11:00

i met sarah blasko a few months ago. right before i left for placement. it was at a friend of a friend's (sister's ex-boyfriend's, cousin's brother's best friend's, no not really) fashion show. We did the whole small talk thing, nothing out of the ordinary. But it stuck with me, and I've been thinking about it since.

She asked what I did, was I part of the whole fashion/design thing?
Ha...no, far from it. I'm studying pharmacy.
Wow, that's different. Do you love it?!
And I didn't really know what to say. Its not like it just hit me, but it was the way she said it. It seemed like, for her, there was no other option other than loving what you did.

Wholeheartedly.

And I'm indifferent.

Its okay, I tell the people who don't actually care, I guess I don't hate it/I study pharmacy, because ~~secretly~~ i'm 5 years old and like colourful stickers, why else? I tell my friends.

Completely, indifferent. I don't love it. I don't know how to love it. If its even possible to love. If anyone out there loves it at all?

I've never met a pharmacist who loves their job. Like really loves it. I know plenty who are happy, crazy hardworking, dedicated. But never love. On the otherhand, I've never met one who completely hates what they're doing, whereas some of my friends have had pharmacists tell them to get out while they still can. (side note: why does firefox think 'out' is spelt wrong?)

Pharmacy is a fall back. Its what you do when you don't make the cut for med/dent/law. But is secure enough, that you don't try too hard to transfer yourself out. Plus its too hard, better off doing something easier where you'll get better marks. Its a stable enough job, will pay the bills. It'll make my parents happy. And my grandfather's crazy proud. But I've got no idea what I want, at all, y'know to do with the rest of my life and stuff. I know this isn't permanent, I'm not stuck here, but its a waste if i don't make something of this. Make someone proud, save some lives, cure cancer and all that. Its like this is a time filler, but its becoming more and more permanent.

I wanted to do medicine. Back in highschool when we thought were preparing for the rest of our lives and 'the real world'. Back when we thought we were making the big decisions that we couldn't ever change. Back when our ENTER was going to define us. Those four digits with the decimal point. But I have no idea where that desire came from. As far as super vague memories go, if i'm no making this up, i remember turning to my mum; i was probably 4? after someone asked me what i wanted to do when i grow up and asking "mum, what do i want to do?"and she said "you want to be a doctor" and so it was, from then on, mostly i said i didn't know. but towards the end of high school when i had nothing else, i'd say i wanted to study medicine. Cos at some point, you've gotta pick ksomething right? At least i could say i'd wanted to since i was little.

I don't hate this enough to leave, unless there's something better. I know this for sure.
But if i don't find anything else, can i love it enough to stay?

I was going to ramble more, but I'm so braindead right now. So vague. I literally cannot speak properly. Maybe I just need to go to bed. Sleep deprivation gives you the crazies. True story.

its just amusing watching you dance

2008-10-26T01:02:00.000+11:00

I really don't know what else to tell you. What is it you wanna hear?

This is everything, y'know?
I've been having a lot of thoughts, but most of themn are along the lines of 'dontfaildontfaildontfaildontfail' followed by 'ihateunihatehatehateunihateargh'.

Its Sunday, and i'm at the library. I've never done this before. Saturday was the limit, and that was a recent thing too. Before all this I'd avoid the library at all costs. I'm pretty sure i've never even borrowed a library book for myself at the uni library.

It was all about just doing well enough to pass. And in this freaking course, that's hard enough as it is. Even my crazy parents say you just have to pass. that's all. Granted, they're probably trying to make me feel better when i think i've just failed.

And, I know this is awful, but I don't feel like there's any reason to do really well. Its kind of completely pointless. Nothing I'm learning here can really be applied out there in the real world. Can draw the structure of morphine? Biosynthesis of cholesterol/steroids? pH-rate profiles? Sound like gibberish to you? Yeah i thought so. And that's the whole thing. They teach us about communication, body language, lean forward eye contact, hand on top when shaking hands is the dominant position, but what does it all mean? We're supposed to be able to communicate with our clients, but its not as if i can spew any of this state of ionisation stuff to even the most educated patients. They don't care, and more importantly it doesn't even matter.

Yet, despite all that, i strangely want to actually do well. More than just passing and getting through. Its never been like this. I refuse to stay up late to study, refuse to pull all nighters, refuse to change too much to accomodate the craziness.

All of that's still there, except here I am at the library, on a Sunday. People are glaring at me for no reason, and the electric bin opened automatically as i walked past (wonder what it was trying to tell me) and i'm starting to even though it doesn't matter.

So i'm gonna take my books, head down for some coffee, and hope another rubber penis doesn't fall from the sky like it did on the way here. Then i'm gonna go to the beach.

Cause they wanted to hear that sound that you didn't want to play

2008-10-03T15:38:00.005+10:00

i'm back i'm back! and my lovely placement bubble has popped. stuff (i. e. exams) are happening sooooon, and i don't know how?! oh time and space, how you confuse me.

Placement wasn't too bad, i mean the actual placement wasn't that fun, it was basically just slave labor, but you win some you lose some. I just chose to bake, alot. we were well fed.

As of yesterday i freaked, re: exams and went to the city/library on a Saturday, producing much shock and confusion (mostly from staff at jungle juice). Then i slept really early to avoid this pharmacology assignment that i'm currently avoiding by typing this.

In other news i am probably most likely getting a new laptop. I think its the msi wind, but i know nothing about computers. i just refer to it as a baby laptop yay! because this one is currently breaking. my. back. and therefore ruining my life slightly.

So last night i had a vividish dream about having a baby. I don't remember much of it anymore. Slightly concerning. Apparently babies in dreams mean new beginnings or something like that. I. don't. know.

update: i feel like the whole baby thing refers to my like of all things baby sized. For example, baby sized laptop, baby sized pony tail etc.

i didn't know why you asked me, you're gonna do it anyway

2008-08-26T12:34:00.004+10:00

i'm stuck at home cos i couldn't get myself out of bed. i say this like the other option was gonna be so exciting, but really i was gonna go to the library. i just like to leave the house. though i guess i don't mind so much when i've got the house to myself.

god i hope i'm not coming down with something.

there's 2 weeks till placement, and we've just found out where we're going. looks like i'm gonna have to bus from where we're staying to my work, which kinda sucks. i was looking forward to like, working around the corner or something, especially after what is it, 7 years of public transport hell, now. i mean its not gonna be anything like the hour and a half it takes me each way to get to uni or whatever, but i want to be one of those kids who get to roll out of bed 10 minutes before work starts or something. Fine, more like half an hour, because who am i kidding, i can't eat and get ready in 10 minutes.

the town seems nice enough and we can go whale watching! i still don't know how to cook. hopefully the weather is nice to us. which leads me to, i have nothing to wear.

the ball was on friday, and so i leave you with pictures.

2008-08-18T22:02:00.002+10:00

its been a long while between blogs hey? things are pretty repetitive i suppose.

i go for coffee, try to relax, pretend to study but usually get distracted stealing chocolate from the kitchen, go to uni for way too long, whine about being hungry, wonder why there's never any free food anymore, maybe get more coffee on the way home.

uni's been really full on. lots and lots of lectures one after another, no time to process, and for once i've actually been going to class. which is...different. i don't know if its helping though. It feels like there's been a bajillion assignments, there hasn't but its a lot more than we're used to. One of them's a group assignment, and i've pulled near all nighters (i've never EVER pulled an all nighter to study. ever. ) but i feel obliged to stay up because its not MY mark. and i feel bad if i dont, even though i know i'm not all that productive. argh. ps. hi sylvie.

i went shoe shopping and i can't afford anything i want. and instead of doing anything i'm supposed to be doing, i've been baking. also burning my fingers because i can't seem to grasp the concept that things in the oven are HOT. and i shouldn't touch them. i made these yesterday, and i just made some cookies.

Placement is in just a few weeks, 3 weeks away from home, which i'm kinda okay with. In a small town, which i'm less okay with. And living with 1 other person from uni. We were originally gonna be a group of 4, which i guess would've been more fun, and well... i'm not sure i'd be able to stand, just me, for 3 weeks. but we got split up into twos.

i plan on eating only dessert.

okay, i'm off to spend money i don't have, hooray!

what are you going to do when the party ends?

2008-06-26T22:26:00.005+10:00

i'm really not into packing.
short or long trip, i'd really rather go on the buy things when i get there principle.
obviously packing is what i'm currently procrastinating. we're going to queenscliff for a couple of days.

in the meantime i've gone back to playing receptionist, having people hang up on me and refusing to tell me who they are. its fun. additionally, today i did some data entry and then put a years worth of reciepts in chronological order for tax time. fun fun fun.

the birds living in my roof/wall sound like they're trying to break their way into my room. i'm sure its entirely possible for them to peck through the plaster right?

so back to the packing, i never know what to take. or i do, but its winter and like... warm clothing takes up too much space. and i don't think my just wear tights and a long sleeved shirt under the dress and pretend like its a whole new winter wardrobe thing works because wet tights sound uncomfortable.

and i reaaaaaallly want a brownie, or some flourless chocolate cake, and ice cream. and, um, dumplings. pretty please.
okay time to suck it up and start packing.

ps. no coffee since monday.

and i don't think that i can face another burnt out sunday

2008-06-19T21:29:00.003+10:00

one more.

she said, is anybody out there?

2008-06-07T20:16:00.005+10:00

sooooo... like, one down, five to go.
exams that is. it doesn't really have a very awesome ring to it. i really don't like to think about it. its taking over my entire life. hello, i went to the library today, and its SATURDAY. on saturday we rest. or work to earn money. we do NOT study, though apparently i do now. the world is spinning funny and mercury is hurting me. mercury is in retrograde, and i'm telling everyone, because obviously its ruining my life. except i think people are mostly just laughing behind my back, like not only does she read horoscopes, she talks about mercury and the angle between the stars and the sun. actually most people just think i'm talking about the metal. and like i don't know, biting on old fashion thermometers and ingesting some pretty silver liquid? they probably think that's why i'm insane. wow. tangennttt.

so... like i've become super boring obviously. i mean i normally am not particularly sociable voluntarily and do not go out a lot but you know its more depresssing. so how was your day? oh you know, awesome! i went to the library, yeahhh. on my birthday. so super exciting. you missed out on the party aw, are you getting up to anything tonight? yeah, gonna go home and studyyy. oh yeahh. what's on this weekend? mmm. let me think about that one. i'm gonna... study. though i suppose at least i'm leaving the house. i think i would go more batshit crazy than i already am if i just didnt' leave the house all these weeks. even if i'm just leaving to go to the library. and the only people i see / talk to in the flesh are the people who make my coffee. oh yeah! really?!

howevs, the library is NOT all fun and games, as awesome as i make it sound. for one, i went to not my usual library today, and spent a good 20 minutes walking around trying to find somehwere to sit down, making my life 349038234 times easier, you're not allowed to have bags in there. and well i have a lot of stuff. just a lot of stuff. books and various cases holding pens and other various junk, clothing, food hidden in folders (obvs can't have food in there either). and it gets tiring. i actually worked up a sweat and had to remove several layers of clothing. in the end no space was found and we bailed for another library. and the moral to that story is, trust your instincts, the library you believe is evil, really is.

the library that you love most of the time, except for the fact that one of the rooms is freezing and you have to go into that room when the room you really like is closed, which is sometimes often. and hello run on sentences. hoorah! lets have a party (at the library). oh right, where was i going with that? yeah, that library? sometimes it sucks too. likeeeee when old men hit on you. and you're by yourself (okay yeah, that's 95% of the time), and hungry and tired and you haven't had any coffee.

so here's the fun story. thisssss is mostly modified from something i sent sylvie. because 1) she is super special and gets the news first. also everyone else probs already knows, because i whine alot. and 2) i am lazy. laaazzeeeh. that's all.

so i'd been 'studying' for a solid HOUR (probably less. felt like longer) when i decided that omg, a whole hour is a really REALLY long time, and i should go buy that chocolate. also, it was COLD! in the reatarded room, so you know, chocolate (chilli!) was even more important, because like, it would make me warmer? YES. i did tell myself that. i am quite into being in denial. so i left all my shit, and went to coles to buy chocolate, came back and was like EMAIL CHECKING TIME. anyway, so i got myself a computer, and logged on, you know, email, facebook and muso so i can pretend that i'm studying. THEN THIS CRAZY MAN COMES OVER, NEAR ME i can only assume that he was looking at the books on the shelves behind me, and was like "you type really fast".

this isn't really that strange, since i kinda do. and other people have commented on the fact, BUT HE'S A STRANGER. and i'm already freaked out. because i like to hope that my vibe is something a little like fuck off and leave me alone. you know, what with the whole people hating thing. exceptfor i'm pretty sure that doesn't work because i look like i'm about 12, and they're not allowed to say fuck off.

but THEN he stays and WATCHES ME? LIKE WTF. WHAT THE FUCK. so i had to just look at muso, as opposed to my email and facebook. and so likeeeeeee. he rambled on something about having a day off? and having an appointment? though what time i have no idea. cos i was mostly smiling and nodding and what the freaking the fuck out. and he said some crap about liking to come to the library to get a book (yes, that's what people do at libraries apparently) and something and i was like, yes. its um. a nice place. to relax? except so not, because obviously i go there to study, and that makes me cry. and then he is all what are you studying? and i'm like, uh pharmacy and he said. and i cannot believe he said this, and i didn't realise how DIRTY it was until afterwards when i cried a little on the inside and then wanted to throw up.

he said, YOU'LL HAVE TO GIVE ME A CHECK UP THEN. and i was like (EEEEK. OMG WTF) um, uh... i don't know about that ha. ha. ha. (FUUUUUUUUUUCK.) and so eventually he goes away, and i feel awkward and violated. BTW HE IS FUCKING OLD. LIKE FORTIES? late forties? I AM BAD AT JUDGING AGE. but whatever, old! not ancient, but old!

AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN HE COMES BACK AND LIKE TAPS ME ON THE SHOULDER AND IS LIKE "if you need a break from studying maybe we could get coffee" OR SOMETHING ALONG THOSE LINES. i am unsure about the end bit, because I WAS FREAKING OUT. but the start is right. and there was something about coffeeeee. AND I WAS V. V. SCARED. and so i said something like. ohh, no sorry, i'm just getting started, so i better get into it. OR SOMETHING. I DON'T KNOW I WAS SO FREAKED OUT. SO VERY FREAKED OUT.

and it was like quite early in the day, so you know, basically ruined my life. i was really honestly quite terrified, and nearly fled to jungle. but like, all my stuff was in the retarded room, and i keep hearing horror stories about how theives are targetting students blah blah, with incident of thefts increasing around libraries etc. so i am too scared to leave my stuff for TOO long. since i'd already left it long enough to buy chocolate and have my life/day ruined. AND I WENT BACK AND HE WAS SITTING IN THE FREAKING ROOM ALSO. luckily i hope he felt awkward and so left quite soon after.

so. wrongtown.

in conclusion, libraries/uni sucks. whooohooooo.

hock it?

2008-05-26T15:28:00.005+10:00

i tried to write this morning, but it seems blogger was being a bit tempremental. or perhaps it was trying to tell me that i should study. either way, the point is. i don't remember what i wanted to writre about. probably nothing... important.

it seems i post often at the library, it may have something to do with the fact that i don't like to study. i wrote my 'reflective exercise' at a rate of approximately 2349 words on facebook: 1 word in microsoft word. it was pretty much amazing. i'm sure you wish you'd seen it. my hands are col dagain and i'm not even in the super freezing room. i moved out of there when i started SHIVERING.

my money saving is failing quite miserably. and exams are freaking me out. i also kinda really want soup. i am waiting for my lover to call, so then we can do my favorite thing. i mean, eat obvs.

we went out for super birthday lunch with the fam on sunday, (mum's mine and sisters' our birthday are like all within 10 days of eachother. starting with mum last sat, and ending with mine in a week. except my mum pretends like hers doesn't exist in front of everyone else, and no one else seems to realise mine exists. so my sister wins. we had yumcha. it was fatty, therefore awesome.

i can't do this anymore, its making me feel guilty, which is a good thing i suppose.

You won't get better till you're worse

2008-05-07T22:07:00.004+10:00

Reasons May isn't delivering on its 'promise' to be my favoritest month ever.
o1. stupidly tedious assignment due at 5pm.
I've discovered that even if i start doing things early, i will STILL be doing it at the last minute, pretty much no matter what. Should probably leave it to the last minute anyway, and stop wasting all the time i spend half doing it. Where i could be doing other probably more fun things. Such as mindless tv, msn/facebook/gmail(talk)/clean/stare at the wall/read about anything other than GOUT. gout is a disgusting word.

o2. public transport has HATED me the past month or so.
heaps of trains running, but taking TWICE as long, because they like to stop in the middle of nowhere for prolonged periods of time. wednesday morning (wednesday = day from hell, and when i started writing this) a rather 'unsavoury' (oh hey, i've never really thought about that term, not savory. does that = sweet? well that's not what i mean. anyway...) character fainted on the train. now i'm gonna sound like an awful person, i was concerned for their wellbeing howevs, IT WAS COLD, i did not wanna get off the train, to squish onto another one. blah blah, was in a hurry, had to work on aforementioned assignment of evil. wanted to die.
then last night, it failed me YET AGAIN. I was at loverly eleanor's house warming, which we had to leave early (me becaues my parents thougth i was still at uni, and well they're not that dumb, i can't push it too much. in my defense, en lives like a block away from uni, so hey i wasclose enough.) so we left around 10 past 8 or so, WAITED about half an hour for a tram, so i missed the 8:30 train home. finally got to the station, was gonna catch the 8:57 (i was supposed to be home by 9 btw) and that was delayed, so it was important that we bought some food! food being ice cream in my case. went down to the train, was harrasssed by an awful bitter old woman, who actually called gem a bitch. only to find my 'delayed' train wasn't really as delayed as they said it would be and as a result had left without me. next train was 9:27. it took me nearly an hour and a half to get an a train after leaving en's. and it really shoudl take 20 minutes max.
i was tired and annoyed. dad cracked the shits. the end.

03. and then, a bird shat on me.
don't try to tell me it's good luck. i won't believe you. i know, that's just what all the people who get shat on try to say to make themselves feel better. i'm not into that sort of denial.
So was walking along to the library (from the cafe where i was working on my assignment) to check online if my 10am class was going to be recorded (which meant i could skip it) because i didn't think i was gonna finish the assignment on time if i went. it wasn't recorded, but i didn't go anyway, mostly because I HAD BIRD SHIT DOWN MY TOP. now 'luckily' it wasn't on my dress, just on the hoodie i was wearing, because oh, that was my WORK DRESS. and i had work later on. i woulda been super hot. So i went back to the cafe, looked really sad alot, and washed my jumper in the sink. then my hands with antibacterial soap. kills 99.9% of germs they say.

o4. did i mention the assignment sucked?
it was fairly pointless. 2 sections.
- first involved giving advice to my hypothetical customer. he wanted to stop taking his prescription meds and take a more 'natural' alternative. i had to form a 'search strategy' it was like an assignment on google, seriously. but using data bases. 'i put in these words and got 439402834 billion results. this was too broad, so i added another search term, to refine my search i then got only 392 results. of these 3 were relevant' then i had to tell my patient what i found out in 500 words or less. which was super shit to write, because in real life, even though i talk alot, I DON'T TALK CONTINUOUSLY WITHOUT PAUSE for that long. poor pretend customer.
- the second part invovled 'critically appraising' a journal article about a study. mine was about the super awesome fun subject of gouty gout gout (and goutlike arthritis etc.). this wasn't that bad. just that my study didn't make much sense, because the people who carried it out are, well. idiots. but that was okay, i dealt with it. However, to add to my constant pain (literal as well) yesterday i had a 3 hour prac session on my favourite topic of gout. where my lecturer just liked to torture us. we were done (2 hours in) and he said, 'do you want to go home, or watch this video(ON GOUT)?' you can guess the answer. he then said 'shut up. this video is kinda shit, and you wont' get much out of it but watch it anway' and proceeded to make me want to KILL MYSELF. now you see, with our assignments, there were like 20 different studies and patient scenarios you could get. i was just oh so lucky to get gout. AND EVERYONE ELSE THERE, even though they hadn't spent the last week spewing gout (ew!) wanted to die also. imagine how awesome i felt. the last bit of the assignment involves posting 'meaningful' contributions on a discussion board. i am not very good at 'meaningful'.

05. after an appropriately long time spent at the cafe, i went to the library.
i didnt' go to any classes wednesday.
i couldn't remember really how to reference! because the last assignment i had was literally 2 and a half years ago. why do this to me pharmacy? i hate you! i went to the library because it has the amazing INTERNET. which is what i'm using now actually. and i had been avoiding the internet due to its 'distracting' properties. howevs i actually needed it then, to you know 'refine' my search and what not. after about an hour the internet CEASED TO FUNCTION but possibly jsut for me and for no real reason. i was really. pretty much, on the verge of tears. the whole day was already lots of nervous, stressed fun. i wandered around, trying out different locations, and turnign things off and back on, but to no avail. see, it was connecting, but just wouldn't let me do anything. and i don't know WHY it happeend because it previosuly was working jsut fine. until it just stopped. to spite me i bet. i freaked out alot, also because the assignment had to be submitted ONLINE. and like, yes. also, lots of things broke. at jungle juice also. i suspect it was my presence.

06. i was driven to insanity
while at the library, i needed to go to the bathroom (as you do when you drink coffee + lots of water, and if you're like me, then probs every 5 or so minutes) but anyway. it made me terribly sad how crazy i was becoming. obvs couldn't carry my laptop with me, so i left it. and saved everythign onto my usb, which i took with me, JUST IN CASE someone decided to steal my laptop, i would at least still have my assignments. yup. those were my priorities.

07. and then my phone turned off.
because it ran out of batteries. because my dad cracked the shits at me the night before, becaues he went into my room in search of the phone charger (it was in the bathroom) and realised what a mess it was/he couldn't find it etc. and so i was too scared to tell him i actually sorta needed it. but i still had 1 bar left, that should've totally lasted theday. so not. more like 2 hours.

08. in addition my horoscope said "do not think about chocolate" as the first words.
I read that far, and then was like, fuck, i'm screwed. i can't remember what the rest of it was about. but that was obvs the most important part, even though the start an dend of Jonathan's predictions are never in anyway related. Ali's reaction was "but you're the most chocolate obsessed person i know". And so i pulled the 2 blocks of chocolate out of my bag and started eating. I think Jonathan knows a gemini he hates. and so he's taking it out on me. i haven't had a good prediction in months. Though, my horoscope book keeps telling me how awesome May is, and it hasn't delivered. you can't win. After i submitted my assignment, in the little time i had not doing much before work, i went and had the most massive hot chocolate ever. becfause i was hyped from stress, and coffee might make me hear ringing in mjy ears (which is what i learnt today! and i haven't even been to class yet). yeah that's right. Fuck you Jonathan Cainer.

09. as soon as i submitted my assignment, i thought of more stuff to add
howevs i submitted at 2:30, TWO AND A HALF HOURS before the deadline. but only about an hour before my personal deadline. because i had to go to work and stuff.

10. And then i had to work.
until 9 pm. did i mention i only got 3 hours of broken sleep? i tried to stay up to finish the assignment, but was stupidly , ridiclusouly tired (normally if i sleep before 1am, i think i'm getting sick) but around 1 i wanted to DIE and couldn't keep my eyes open/focus at all. so i had a bit of a nap. and woke up again at 2 to keep working on it. i was STARVING and had the 'best' ever vita wheats. i think it was just the extreme hunger talking. stayed up till after 4, went to bed for a bit. and was up at 6 to get ready for the day of hell.
but i had ice cream at work, and that negates most of the negatives.

it more than sucks, its just too much.

2008-04-21T11:48:00.005+10:00

reason # 82 - Why Studying is Evil:
You might be happily pretending to study in the library (the only place where its possible to 'study', which is an improvement on doing nothing). Not really paying attention to the screen, where you are replaying a lecture, complete with screen shots and audio. Semi-listening, looking down at your notes, which don't match the slides on the screen exactly, so you don't really know what's going on up there). You're not really listening either, slightly more focused on the clock/ceiling/green pen/large window/people downstairs/wanting coffee/hunger/chocolate/what to do next/how to next effectively pretend to study. When you glance up, and notice that OH HEY, HELLO THERE VAGINA THAT IS STARING YOU IN THE FACE. How long have you been on the screen for? And then you look around in the hopes that no one is paying more attention to your lecture than you are. Also, there was nothing else on the slide. No useful captions, just a picture.

It was a lecture on antibiotics by the way, not reproduction or anything where i would've expected that kinda thing.

reason #43 - Why Studying is Evil:
its fucking cold in here.

reason #61 - Why Studying is Evil:
i'm really hungry. but too lazy to move. also. have. no. money.

So until next time, when i'm chased out of the library, for looking like a pervert.

you know its easy to get me to stay

2008-04-03T23:03:00.008+11:00

i live in/near a suburb with a pretty bad reputation.
i never really thought it was that bad though. it was all talk, after all, i've lived here all my life.

i used to joke about feeling unsafe. about how i was totally going to die working at night. about how i'd get mugged in the street. but i never really believed it. i mean i probably wouldn't walk around alone at night... but whatever, i'm sheltered, okay?

the last month or so however, i have been genuinely concerned.

around a month ago, a 17 year old boy was attacked by 3 other teens (16-20 years old), was taken to hospital in a critical condition, and died around a week later. the fatal blow was from a tomahawk, which is one of these in case you were wondering (i had no idea what it was). This was like 2 minutes down the road from my house.

a week or two later someone set a car on fire (i guess it must've been stolen) behind my parent's work. it must've been so hot that all the windows shattered, there're crazy smoke marks on the brick wall a few meters away, our BINS MELTED (this was actually kinda hilarious, except that the bin was full of paper, and we were really lucky it didn't set the whole place on fire) and you could see where the petrol had trickled out. i was very VERY surprised that the whole thing handed exploded from looking at it. asif that wasn't bad enough, what gets to me is that no one seems to care about anyone else. there are people who live in flats above my parent's office, and they KNEW about the car, yet no one thought to call the fire brigade? My dad had to do it in the morning, when he came to open the office up, and luckily the flames were dying down. My parents work together. Their business is very much a family one, if business is bad, it affects us so badly, because we are entirely invested in it. I don't know what we would've done.

later that same week, on the way back from the bank my dad saw some kind of fight where much blood was drawn, and he had to call the police.

just yesterday, someone was stabbed (multiple times) outside of my work. So i'm feeling particularly safe. the fight started outside my work, and the actual stabbing happened 2 doors down. i had to go to a meeting at work a few hours after it happened, and it looked like a scene froma movie. it didn't seem real. the street was blocked off, and i had to go in the back entrance, because they obviously weren't letting anyone through the crime scene.

uh so yeahhh... i'm freaked the fuck out. And i work at night 99% of the time. My parents have wanted me to quit for ages, because they said it wasn't safe, but i was like. yeah whatever, asif anything's going to happen. now i'm not so sure. I mean, this happened in BROAD DAYLIGHT (around 2 :40pm), who's to say what goes on at night. At the same time, i really need the work/money/experience.

so yeah, nothing new or exciting happening on my side. x

there was a chance you'd surprise me

2008-03-27T22:50:00.004+11:00

- i have paid off nearly all of my uni fees for this semester (i'm paying the last bit tomorrow - this is borrowed money, but i'm becoming more okay with this) ALL ON MY OWN, this makes me ver happy. very happy and very poor. the government is raping me.

- i no longer am as scared of working during the day as i used to be, this may be because my boss doesn't suck. am also slightly afraid of DYING when i work at night,which is always.

- i am writing this because i am embarrassed by the length of the last entry, and i don't want it to be at the top anymore.

- i am surprisingly good at squishing things to make room, i played a lot of tetris, it came in handy.

- i dislike statistics

- i figured out yesterday WHY i was taught statistics in first year.

- its apparently more useful than i thought it would be, because you need to know how it works in order to understand any journal articles.

- too bad i don't remember anything.

i like ice cream, lychee and lime kind
i don't like that i can't find it anywhere.
i want dumplings and coffee,
but not togther probs.
i don't like the weather, its fucking insane. no, its schitzophrenic, that's what it is.
i don't like uni, but i don't like not uni either.
i cant win.
i just got nail polish on my left index finger andi suspect also on the 'space' key.
once i knocked some nail polish off a shelf at a department store and it shattered, i have nail polish on the jeans i wore, and also on my chucks. luckily everything matches.
i worked last night, DREAMT ABOUT WORK, and then worked first thing in the morning. it was like 24 hours of continuous work.
i like the words 'sphenoid' and 'furuncle.
i think this is the end.

well sit right down my wicked son, let me tell you a story

2008-03-22T18:50:00.004+11:00

these past 3 or so weeks have felt a little bit odd. I still feel like we're just 'getting into' the year at uni. But we've been there for 4 weeks already. And now we've got a week off 'mid semester break' they say. (the semester is 13 weeks long, obviously they aren't good at maths).

My mum's been overseas for the last 2 weeks as well, which probably hasn't helped with everything. And I'm totally overparenting, my sister probably hates me (she's 14, isn't that what they do?).

By the 2nd week back at uni, I was already falling apart slightly. Highlights include:
- Mum deciding that she couldn't take it anymore, and had to go overseas for her health. Leaving 2 days later. My parents really aren't the type to leave us behind i suppose. We never really had baby sitters because they were going out together. I mean, we were in daycare CONSTANTLY from pretty much a really young age (um, maybe 6 months?) but it was because they were working. That is totally understandable. I remember my mum telling me this story about me when I was little. She was dropping me off at a family friend's house.
little me: why do you have to go?
mum: i have to go to work, how else will i have money to buy you toys?
little me: i don't need toys, i just want you to stay.
I have sort of lost where i am going with this. But for us, holidays were for family. We went together. Special occasions, same thing. Our parents never excluded us. So it's kinda weird for her to be leaving I suppose. Especially by herself.
Other times, my family have gone away, and I've had to stay here because of school etc. But I've never had to look after someone else. When they all went to vietnam, I was forced to stay with my aunt. She didn't work at the time, so she was always home, cooking, cleaning, DOING THINGS FOR ME. it was a bit crazy and suffocating. Then last year, my mum and sister went overseas for a holiday. I had to stay because of uni (drainmy life) but I was with my dad, and I basically only had to look after myself. This time though, I've got my sister. She's 14, but she needs to be looked after. I have to make sure she's awake before I leave for uni, otherwise she just wouldn't make it to school. I have to check she's packed lunch. If I don't tell her to, she doesn't eat breakfast. Or if I tell her, and she can't find it? she won't eat. And then she'll complain about being hungry. Its actually really frustrating.

- Picking groups to go away with on rural placement, and the drama that ensued. So over this. So don't feel like talking about it. Basically STRESS, but now everything is okay. It just drove me insane. And seemed to bringout the worst in group politics etc.

- Publically bursting into tears, not just once but three times. In the same day. So now I've cried in a stairwell at uni, very openly along royal parade (why is there nowhere to hide there?) and also at jungle juice. Awesome, I win.

- Drinking in the pipe at the children's playground. Yes, so completely not suss. Well, I would've gone to the cemetary, but no one else seemed particularly keen on that idea. I then played with little kids and wondered why they'd taken half the swings away.

- Work sucking.

I have the worst headache at the moment. I suspect caffiene withdrawl, but I was okay yesterday. So maybe it's actually something else. After the awesomeness that was week two, i kinda started coming down with a cold 'ie. i had a SLIGHT case of the sniffles' but i was freaking out because i haven't been sick in a really long time, and i'm worried that when i do actually get sick it's gonna be BAD. So I practically ODed on vitamins etc, and the sniffles left, but they keep coming back after a week or so. Its kinda screwing up my life.

Week three was pretty awesome, because I spent most of it neglecting uni, annoying my sister and being excited that Tara Simmons was coming to town. Also, placements were FINALLY sorted. Which made me incredibly happy. I am still worried about actually having to live in a confined space with other people. But that's another story.

Uni just spends most of its time feeling very LONG and HUNGRY. Potentially when it even isnt either. I've never been one to actually recount the things I've done very much. So I am finding this a bit weird, esp since I am all, hmm. what did i do on monday I can't remember HUGE GAPING HOLE IN MY LIFE but that's okay. Tara and Briony arrived late Wednesday afternoon. And I was content to stalk them, however they called me which saved me a lot of trouble. It was all good timing too, because I was at the library, and completely like this is making me want to kill myself. I have to move. Was gathering up my books, looking for a bin, and recieved a call informing me they were around the corner. They ate, I helped assemble the promo demos. And then we handed them out to strangers.

I've eaten, and i don't really feel much better. Oh well. The gig was on thursday night, and they were awesome. It was also insanely hot, pretty much that whole week. Potentially my fault, because I begged Briony to bring the sun down with her the week before. Obvs, she is a bit of an overachiever, and did wayyy too well. I wore my new dress. It was exciting. I was waiting for them to finish soundchecking at the library (yeah i'm becoming a nerd, it's strange) when some guy I'd never seen before asked for my number. Odd. It went like this.

*marlene is sitting on couch, writing notes*
*guy sits down next to her*
him: can i borrow a pen?
me: sure *gives him pen* (i have about a bajillion pens. in pretty much every colour.)
*marlene keeps 'studying'*
some time later he puts the pen back down on the armrest of the couch between us, with a note 'can i have your number :)'
*marlene freaks out quite a lot* i muttered something like 'sorry, i'm not interested', and went back to writing notes. He said 'oh i needed the pena nyway'
Neither of us moved for awhile, and it was getting awkward. He got up after awhile, and I didn't want to still be sitting there when he came back around (which he would eventually have to do to leave). So I ran away.

Friday was spent not going to uni. 'Studying'. Eating the same flourless chocolate cake that changed my life last time i had it (also with Tara). Melting. Shopping with Briony. Getting blisters on my feet. Sharing the most difficult to eat ever vermicelli 'salad' and being teased by the waiter for hanging around too long.

I just ate some more. I am feeling a bit sick now. oops.

Last week was spent being sick of uni. Monday was dedicated to eating slash spending all my money on food. Anna came down to visit from Sydney, and we shared what was possibly the hugest omlette ever. I spotted her from my stalker window in the library, and tried to call her, only to discover I had insufficient funds on my phone. We also wandered around a lot. Ate a cupcake, and tried to discover melbourne's laneways. The last two weeks have taught me I know pretty much zero about melbourne, and am confused when people ask me what are the good things to see/do. Because everything is so normal for me. I am also pretty crap at dinner locations. I apparently only know things that start with 'c' (coffee, crepes, cake, chinese dumplings etc.) Later on, caught up with Gemma, so we could binge eat and window shop (we're both trying to save money). I'd sorta forgotten how much I love dumplings. And that they should be a staple in my diet. (Along with ribena, coffee, chocolate, and sushi as described by me to Briony re: things we should eat). I also spent the latter part of the week crushing on someone who works at the coffee shop I go too. I hope no one googles this, because that would be embarassing.

I feel like I've already written so much that no one will be bothered to read it. It's just like paragraphs upon paragraphs of tiny ant like words. I feel like I spent a lot of time at jungle juice and the library last week. Which, really isn't very unusual. Those are pretty much the only places i will be that are not work/uni/home.

And now what I actually meant to write about which is holidays. Which I actually can't really be botehred writing about anymore. I was just going to mention that they're weird. And I don't really consume coffee during them, which I think may freak my body out a little bit. Also on the holidays, I don't really feel like I get to do anything, or have much of a break. I mostly usually either hang out at home with my sister. Or go help my parents out at work. Which are kinda of the reasons I hate the holidays a little bit. Well the reasons I hated the summer holidays a lot. And it was usually because I was working, and working with my parents really makes me a little bit suicidal.

I have no photos, because my mum is in vietnam with my camera. Photos are important to me. I really think I should stop procrastinating so much. Maybe I'll go lie down.

i'm teaching myself to believe in the things i don't understand

2008-03-04T08:59:00.004+11:00

Lately I've been having several dreams with the general reoccuring theme of work (boring). and shoes.
together.
in the same dream.
frequently.
It's not a reoccuring dream.
It's different every time. But always, work and shoes.
I don't know what this means.
It totally confuses me.
Perhaps it means i should purchase some new shoes.
Purple ones. (I actually don't remember the shoes in all my dreams).
But I want purple ones. So i might just tell myself that it's increidbly important to my subconscious/for my pyschological well being that I go buy some. Like yesterday already.
In one dream i had to take off my shoes at work. Everyone did. And then I think they all got mixed up. and confusing?
In another I was working at ex-place of work, which was disapproving of my hair. And I was wearing totally the wrong shoes (ie. not black closed toe flats). In fact I was wearing two different shoes. I think one was yellow and one was green? I may be making this up. Who knows. it's not important. And it's not like you'll tell me I'm wrong.
It was kinda like my current workplace squished into the building of my old work.
And I might have started freaking out. And had to get someone to cover for me while I ran out on my lunch break? to buy some proper shoes. I recall buying them from Kmart or Big W or something similar.
Upon my return, I had some black peeptoe slingbacks. Also not the right kinda shoe.
It was all hugely problematic in my dream. But i like peeptoes. So I was probably happy.
The dreams started around the time my work was undergoing a management changeover. So it's probably got something to do with that.
I enjoy over analysing. So I will probably also say that it has something to do with worrying about not being able to live up to expectation (fill in your own shoes?). Other stuff. too. Probably. If i think too much. Which I really shouldn't do. It's too early.

I've noticed the past month or so I've actually been remembering my dreams. Half of them come out of nowhere. Does anyone dream about completely made up people? hybrids of people you actually know? Have music you actually like, stuck on a loop, as the psychotic soundtrack to your nightmare/sleep paralysis?

Sleep is weird. It's probably wasted on me, considering my body enjoys waking up at odd hours and not wanting to go back to sleep again. \
But I like the dreams.
And being confused about them.
And worrying about them.
And wondering if I should tell my friends I dreamt about making out with them (not at work).

I heard a funny thing today, that i'm addicted to cocaine

2008-02-28T22:08:00.000+11:00

My parents seem to be totally convinced that if I drink a whole cruiser, I will get drunk, fall over a lot, pass out, and possibly get alcohol poisoning and need to get my stomach pumped.

I started this post like 3 days ago. And i have no idea where I was going with it. I have to go to work in 24 minutes. And I really, really need/want a coffee. But I'm trying desperately to save money until the end of next month, (update: I BOUGHT A DRESS TODAY! my self control is amazing.) which makes me COMPLETELY BORING. And constantly hungry, but that's a given anyway.

It's weird being back at uni. I love/hate it alot.

I had a minor freak out on Tuesday morning when I got on the tram. I was like, do I even know where I'm going anymore? Is this the right tram? Has the route changed? Do I remember the stop?

But uni's got this strange familiarity about it. A slight security, and a weirdo twisted sense of freedom.

Most seem to be unhappy to be back. The holidays weren't long enough they say, It went so quickly, I can't believe we're back already. Maybe it's because I don't really feel like I had much of a holiday. Working crazy hours in a job I hated, to help my parents out. I was glad to go back. Happy to get away from sitting at a desk, being yelled at by people who refused to leave messages, happy not to have the 60 hour working weeks that drained my life.

It's strange. I don't really feel like I have a right to complain (but I do anyway). How were your holidays? they ask. Meh, Okay I say. I worked for my parents, I hated it. Did I get paid? I did. It wasn't much, but it was something. And it's not as if I did a whole lot anyway. I was probably in the way more than anything. I felt like, they didn't really need me there. My friends said it was a conspiracy, their careful scheme, obviously a plan that meant I couldn't really go out, drink a whole cruiser, and fall over. HA! But they told me they needed me. And that was enough. I owe it to them. I felt mostly that they needed me more to babysit the office. So it could stay open, people could walk in and out, pay their rent. And my parents could go do their thing. (We're in real estate btw.) It was frustrating, it drove me insane. But I did it, and I'm glad I don't have to anymore.

Uni however is tiring. Sitting on your arse gets old fast. I've been to all my classes so far. And I'm preetttty proud. That's not to say I've STAYED in all my classes, but whatever. I didn't have any chocolate.

Winning uni moments: Pharmacology lecturer, demonstrating how to snort cocaine/Lecturer saying "I'm not here to teach you about microbiology" - during microbiology (REASSURING)/Lecturer telling us we're wasting our time listening to him talk rubbish, time is money. We could be earning some (oh hey, thanks for reminding me.)/New fish slash starfish yet to be named. This one's for you Gemma:

Uni's crazy. It's frustrating. It annoys me. It's fake cold/hot. It's more like high school than anything. But it's constant. It's something to go back to. It kinda gives me purpose.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, WHY HELLO, ITS A LLAMA* NAMED PECCADILLO (disclaimer: May or may not be it's name. it started with P, i dont remember the rest). Oh hello Peccadillo, what were you doing in the middle of the mall?

* Is actually an Alpaca, not a Llama.

In other news:

i am feeling like, my voice is stuck down in my throat

2008-02-23T18:45:00.008+11:00

i leave it up to you

2008-02-22T14:14:00.004+11:00

I've read a few blogs where people are uncomfortable with their friends reading their blogs. I posted a link on facebook too my blog earlier this week.
Freaked out about it.
Wrote a nonsensical post about it.
Deleted the link,
and then the post.

I've thought about it a bit more now.
I'm not that worried about close friends reading my blog. In fact, all my friends are welcome to it. (hi guys! read read read, i like knowing people care). I understand how it can be weird though. Both for the reader and the blogger. Knowing that your friends have written something, but not really being able to process it/approach them about it is a little difficult. Blogging is another world. What you write doesn't always translate into 'real life'. And then sometimes there are things you don't really want anyone to read, but i've got a diary for that. One that hasn't been used in about 8 months. There hasn't really been much to say, at all this past year or so. Well there probably has, but i haven't known how. I've slowly forgotten the art of blogging. ha.

The only time I would really rather my friends didn't read this, was if i was to bitch about them. But that doesnt happen. I LOVE YOU ALL.

Like most, it's strange, but I'm pretty comfortable with strangers reading. As long as you're far removed enough to actually qualify as a stranger. I'm only creeped out by, like distant acquaintances knowing what i'm doing. That makes me uncomfortable.

It's like this thing I have where I worry that sometimes I pay too much attention, like you meet someone briefly, and, i know this sounds kinda erratic, but you remember their name, and you kinda worry that they won't remember yours. It's like you know too much. Okay, maybe not just their name, maybe something about them. And it's just kinda odd.

Having people know so much about you that you didn't explicitly tell them. I guess is what I'm trying to say. This is why ~~stalkbook~~ facebook creeps me out a bit, even if i DO spend all my time there, it's good for procrastination okay?

I don't really know what I'm getting at. It all made sense in my head.

Laneway festival this weekend. I'm massively excited.
So like, maybe i'll just post some singstar photos later, cos i'm cool. and like photos. And then it can be like tadaaa! the end.

there's a limit to your love

2008-02-20T06:14:00.002+11:00

What is it lately that's making my sleep more erratic than normal.
I sleep late, which is normal for me, then wake up a few hours later unable to go back to sleep.
Usually about 3 or 4 hours later?
It makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. What is my body trying to tell me?
I mean sleep for me has never been awesome. What with the freaky hallucinogen inducing sleep paralysis that's been happening pretty consistently for about 5 or 6 years. I'm almost kinda so used to that now that i'm can nearly predict when it's going to happen. And when it does I'm not as freaked out as I used to be, I'm just kinda like, Oh, come on, not again! Hurry the fuck up. I want to go to sleep. Though, sometimes it's worse.

There's not really much to say. This i s just a i-can't-sleep-and-it's-five-am-so-i-don't-know-what-else-to-do-with-myself post.
My anxiety-inducing uni timetable previously written in ancient Egyptian and now translated to 'making sense' is looking a lot better than expected.
I mean, the occasional day off? this has never happened before. What will I do with myself? Free time? It can't be possible.

Also, I got a BLISTER from cutting stripping for shelf labels at work. A blister! From not my shoes, at work! I bet everyone will hate me because there's still so much to get done.
But our store's got new managment, and everything is happening at once. We have so much more stock, it's so exciting! We got extra shelves, and i'm like, THESE SHELVES, THEY ARE FULL?! when our old ones were boringly empty looking. It's like its a real pharmacy now! I better try and get back to sleep to prepare myself for the crazies.
I mean, four hours sleep is better than three hey?

dot the i

2008-02-17T15:55:00.000+11:00

rant ranty rant.
I'm really fricken annoyed.
Someone from work called a few hours ago, asking me if I could do their shift tomorrow.
I said yes.
Then proceeded to rearrange my shit so I could work for them.
I come home from doing some of the things I had to do so I could work, freaked out that my uniform was gross, washed it. And went upstairs to get ready to go out. Checking my phone to see if my lift was ever going to arrive (I'm still waiting, Carla, I love you) I get a message from aforementioned co-worker. Hey don't worry about doing the shift tomorrow, thanks anyway sorry. have a good weekend
While that's a really nice message (She's good at masking the bitchiness, she does it often) I'm still really annoyed. I've already gone out of my way, so I could do their shift for them. You might be sorry, but I can't undo it now. I could already be where I wanna be tonight, I coulda been a hell lot more relaxed. I could be singstaring right now, and being generally awesome with my beautiful girls. And she's done it by message, what if I didn't get it? Someone suggested just turning up to the shift. But she's scary, so she'd probably end up doing it and I'd end up with more time wasted.

I need to figure out how to make her feel guilty. Preferably keep the shift, so my efforts aren't wasted. Without being too obvious a bitch. How how how? I'm not good with subtlety. I'm not good with these kinda things. I hate work politics, I hate getting involved. It makes me want to crawl back to the drama free real estate job that makes me suicidal. I managed to lose $50 rent money there last week, and it's still ALL. GOOD. (sure, they're my parents, and are obliged to love me anyway, but that's not the point).

Now I'm freaking out. What if she reads this? Not that anyone reads this blog, because I don't think I really told anyone of it's existence. I'm still getting used to blogging again. But that's not the point either. It's out there, it might happen. I've blogged for like, 6 years possibly longer, basically like my whole life and some (i'm five. really.) And i don't remember freaking about things like this before. Sure I never worked much before. My declining blogging kinda coincided with my getting a job. Who knows why. But didn't I complain about I don't know. People at school? It was high school, there was always drama right? It was an all girls competitive selective school. If there wasn't drama, I'm sure we would've made some. How come I was never this worried? And I actually had readers then.

So how do I do it, so that it's not misinterpreted, but so that I also get what's fair?

Carla, where are you? I know you don't read this, but it's singstar time baby.

----

UPDATE:
I am home now. Singstar is amazing, as are my friends. and cheese. and Soho. Just pointing out that i normally can't type. this will be worse. I will be too lazy to fix anything, i promise. i WIN at procrastinating life.

So I didn't message her, because I am chicken shit. But I called another girl (to bitch, whoops), she wasn't home. But she messaged me and was like, oh was it about the first girl? Cos she called me and asked me to work first, but i said I had to confirm blah blah, and in that time she asked you to work, and then I got back to her, so she had to tell you not to work.

This whole thing is lame and frustrating. Every single part of it. Like why couldn't she have said that in the first place? Then I wouldn't be so invested in working (hahaaha. who has their heart set on working? don't most people rejoice at not working 13 days straight. Not me apparently). If she had said I've asked someone else to work. They said they might be able to, but need to get back to me can you do it if they can't? How hard is that? Most of the time, even if it's really DIFFICULT for me to organise, I'll work anyway if no one else can do it. I'll tell them to try and get someone else, but if they're desperate, I'll do it. It's not that hard.

Its just that I need to find some buried treasure by the end of March to pay for uni. And apparently, the odds of that happening aren't so awesome, or so everyone else keeps telling me. I guess that means, the only other way of money appearing is if I work. i kinda need the shift that pays double time. Man, i should've whored myself out to some soul sucking retail WELL PAYING job at the start of these holidays. Too late for that now.

I did try messaging the second girl. In the hopes that she would be like, oh, i'm so sorry, you can do the shift if you want but apparently no one does what I want them to these days. I'm sitting here at 3am, wishing that I had to get up to start work at 9, who. does. that?! ramble ramble ramble, rant rant rant. Ah, my life is getting pathetic. I'm gonna go collapse into bed. hoorah!

They Don't Love You Like I Love You

2008-02-13T12:52:00.000+11:00

My grandfather's discovered how to make calls to Australia.
It's super cute. Not to mention probably super expensive also.

The first time he called was Chinese New Years Day. He calls the office, cos obvs, no one is home, ever. Mum'd told him that I've been playing receptionist here over the holidays, and he was gonna pretend that he wanted to buy a house (my parents work in real estate. bor-inggggggggg).
I burst his bubble, cos i recognised his voice.
Next step, email.

Speaking of phone calls, I don't understand everyone's refusal to give out their phone number. No one, EVER wants to leave a message.
Do I sound really insincere or something?
I'm not going to sign you up for gazillions of telemarketing surveys. I don't have time for that (okay, I probs do, but it's too much effort, and I'm lazy)
I just want your number, so I can get someone to call you back, with the answers you seek.
What more do you want?
Oh, you'll call back? They probably won't be here. Only I will, and then you'll get angry and yell at me. Wondering why I cant give you the world.
It's really not that hard. You give me your name, you give me your number, you tell me what you want. I will probably repeat it to you, because I don't want it to be wrong, I really do want someone to get back to you. That's it.

Then there's the second type of person who refuses to leave their number. This person is the one who thinks they are the ONLY person who exists. They say, just tell them John called, they know who I am/They have my phone number. Um. yeah, my bet is you're not the only person in the universe named John. Stop being so insistent. It annoyes me. Just give me your number.

Of course, the people who DO leave a messages, they have nothing better to do but wait by the phone. Calling every 10 minutes, wondering why their call hasn't been returned yet. We're 'busy' (as you claim to be, how'd you find time in your pressing schedule to call back all the time?) too.

In conclusion, i hate you. Please stop calling just to yell at me/hang up on me.

Not Love,
marlene.

no one wants to pay to see your day by day

2008-02-06T22:23:00.000+11:00

It's like coming full circle, going back to blogger.
This is where it started kids.
Anyway, on to more important things, namely:

Why I hate Chinese New Year, or Why Everyone Is Driving Me Insane:

- You have to be PERFECT.
Oh, there's no room for screwing up on New Years Day, god no. This is what the rest of the year will be like, a reflection of today. Or tomorrow rather. Upset? nope. you're not allowed. Bad hair day? Guess I'm screwed for the rest of the year then. Do you feel lazy? Bored? Want to have actual emotions that aren't 'smile pretty now'? Think again. You have to be flawless, you don't have a choice in the matter. Parents will say, don't MAKE me get angry at you, it's new years. Like it actually means something. So, i guess what it means is that we're always gonna be pretending that we're something we're not.

Its. Too. Much. Pressure.

- You have to say complicated things in other languages to get your god damn money.
Remember when we were little, and people were super impressed with we greeted them? And then they just threw money at you in little red envelopes, and you had no idea what this money thing was, or what to do with it. So you gave it to mum. So not gonna cut it anymore. You've gotta work for it these days baby. Need to learn how to say 'good health and prosperity to you and your family' three zillion different ways. In. The. Same. Sentence. They'll probably make you kneel/beg also. Just for fun.

- I don't have pretty new clothes.
Speaking of traditions I'm supposed to be following, New Years was a time where everyone got pretty new clothes, haircuts and lots of candy. Why didn't we keep the awesome traditions? Why can't I have servants and custom made clothing and candy. Lots of candy.

-You can't sweep/throw things out.
If you do, you are just THROWING AWAY your money which is clearly a stupid thing to do. Because rubbish is like money, and so we should all just let it pile up all the time, and try and pay for things with it.

But the thing i hate most, is that i sort of in the back of my mind, subscribe to all the 'traditions'/superstitions.

Happy New Year everyone. Lets hope you get pretty things.