she said, is anybody out there?

sooooo... like, one down, five to go.
exams that is. it doesn't really have a very awesome ring to it. i really don't like to think about it. its taking over my entire life. hello, i went to the library today, and its SATURDAY. on saturday we rest. or work to earn money. we do NOT study, though apparently i do now. the world is spinning funny and mercury is hurting me. mercury is in retrograde, and i'm telling everyone, because obviously its ruining my life. except i think people are mostly just laughing behind my back, like not only does she read horoscopes, she talks about mercury and the angle between the stars and the sun. actually most people just think i'm talking about the metal. and like i don't know, biting on old fashion thermometers and ingesting some pretty silver liquid? they probably think that's why i'm insane. wow. tangennttt.

so... like i've become super boring obviously. i mean i normally am not particularly sociable voluntarily and do not go out a lot but you know its more depresssing. so how was your day? oh you know, awesome! i went to the library, yeahhh. on my birthday. so super exciting. you missed out on the party aw, are you getting up to anything tonight? yeah, gonna go home and studyyy. oh yeahh. what's on this weekend? mmm. let me think about that one. i'm gonna... study. though i suppose at least i'm leaving the house. i think i would go more batshit crazy than i already am if i just didnt' leave the house all these weeks. even if i'm just leaving to go to the library. and the only people i see / talk to in the flesh are the people who make my coffee. oh yeah! really?!

howevs, the library is NOT all fun and games, as awesome as i make it sound. for one, i went to not my usual library today, and spent a good 20 minutes walking around trying to find somehwere to sit down, making my life 349038234 times easier, you're not allowed to have bags in there. and well i have a lot of stuff. just a lot of stuff. books and various cases holding pens and other various junk, clothing, food hidden in folders (obvs can't have food in there either). and it gets tiring. i actually worked up a sweat and had to remove several layers of clothing. in the end no space was found and we bailed for another library. and the moral to that story is, trust your instincts, the library you believe is evil, really is.

the library that you love most of the time, except for the fact that one of the rooms is freezing and you have to go into that room when the room you really like is closed, which is sometimes often. and hello run on sentences. hoorah! lets have a party (at the library). oh right, where was i going with that? yeah, that library? sometimes it sucks too. likeeeee when old men hit on you. and you're by yourself (okay yeah, that's 95% of the time), and hungry and tired and you haven't had any coffee.

so here's the fun story. thisssss is mostly modified from something i sent sylvie. because 1) she is super special and gets the news first. also everyone else probs already knows, because i whine alot. and 2) i am lazy. laaazzeeeh. that's all.

so i'd been 'studying' for a solid HOUR (probably less. felt like longer) when i decided that omg, a whole hour is a really REALLY long time, and i should go buy that chocolate. also, it was COLD! in the reatarded room, so you know, chocolate (chilli!) was even more important, because like, it would make me warmer? YES. i did tell myself that. i am quite into being in denial. so i left all my shit, and went to coles to buy chocolate, came back and was like EMAIL CHECKING TIME. anyway, so i got myself a computer, and logged on, you know, email, facebook and muso so i can pretend that i'm studying. THEN THIS CRAZY MAN COMES OVER, NEAR ME i can only assume that he was looking at the books on the shelves behind me, and was like "you type really fast".

this isn't really that strange, since i kinda do. and other people have commented on the fact, BUT HE'S A STRANGER. and i'm already freaked out. because i like to hope that my vibe is something a little like fuck off and leave me alone. you know, what with the whole people hating thing. exceptfor i'm pretty sure that doesn't work because i look like i'm about 12, and they're not allowed to say fuck off.

but THEN he stays and WATCHES ME? LIKE WTF. WHAT THE FUCK. so i had to just look at muso, as opposed to my email and facebook. and so likeeeeeee. he rambled on something about having a day off? and having an appointment? though what time i have no idea. cos i was mostly smiling and nodding and what the freaking the fuck out. and he said some crap about liking to come to the library to get a book (yes, that's what people do at libraries apparently) and something and i was like, yes. its um. a nice place. to relax? except so not, because obviously i go there to study, and that makes me cry. and then he is all what are you studying? and i'm like, uh pharmacy and he said. and i cannot believe he said this, and i didn't realise how DIRTY it was until afterwards when i cried a little on the inside and then wanted to throw up.

he said, YOU'LL HAVE TO GIVE ME A CHECK UP THEN. and i was like (EEEEK. OMG WTF) um, uh... i don't know about that ha. ha. ha. (FUUUUUUUUUUCK.) and so eventually he goes away, and i feel awkward and violated. BTW HE IS FUCKING OLD. LIKE FORTIES? late forties? I AM BAD AT JUDGING AGE. but whatever, old! not ancient, but old!

AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN HE COMES BACK AND LIKE TAPS ME ON THE SHOULDER AND IS LIKE "if you need a break from studying maybe we could get coffee" OR SOMETHING ALONG THOSE LINES. i am unsure about the end bit, because I WAS FREAKING OUT. but the start is right. and there was something about coffeeeee. AND I WAS V. V. SCARED. and so i said something like. ohh, no sorry, i'm just getting started, so i better get into it. OR SOMETHING. I DON'T KNOW I WAS SO FREAKED OUT. SO VERY FREAKED OUT.

and it was like quite early in the day, so you know, basically ruined my life. i was really honestly quite terrified, and nearly fled to jungle. but like, all my stuff was in the retarded room, and i keep hearing horror stories about how theives are targetting students blah blah, with incident of thefts increasing around libraries etc. so i am too scared to leave my stuff for TOO long. since i'd already left it long enough to buy chocolate and have my life/day ruined. AND I WENT BACK AND HE WAS SITTING IN THE FREAKING ROOM ALSO. luckily i hope he felt awkward and so left quite soon after.

so. wrongtown.

in conclusion, libraries/uni sucks. whooohooooo.

You won't get better till you're worse

Reasons May isn't delivering on its 'promise' to be my favoritest month ever.
o1. stupidly tedious assignment due at 5pm.
I've discovered that even if i start doing things early, i will STILL be doing it at the last minute, pretty much no matter what. Should probably leave it to the last minute anyway, and stop wasting all the time i spend half doing it. Where i could be doing other probably more fun things. Such as mindless tv, msn/facebook/gmail(talk)/clean/stare at the wall/read about anything other than GOUT. gout is a disgusting word.

o2. public transport has HATED me the past month or so.
heaps of trains running, but taking TWICE as long, because they like to stop in the middle of nowhere for prolonged periods of time. wednesday morning (wednesday = day from hell, and when i started writing this) a rather 'unsavoury' (oh hey, i've never really thought about that term, not savory. does that = sweet? well that's not what i mean. anyway...) character fainted on the train. now i'm gonna sound like an awful person, i was concerned for their wellbeing howevs, IT WAS COLD, i did not wanna get off the train, to squish onto another one. blah blah, was in a hurry, had to work on aforementioned assignment of evil. wanted to die.
then last night, it failed me YET AGAIN. I was at loverly eleanor's house warming, which we had to leave early (me becaues my parents thougth i was still at uni, and well they're not that dumb, i can't push it too much. in my defense, en lives like a block away from uni, so hey i wasclose enough.) so we left around 10 past 8 or so, WAITED about half an hour for a tram, so i missed the 8:30 train home. finally got to the station, was gonna catch the 8:57 (i was supposed to be home by 9 btw) and that was delayed, so it was important that we bought some food! food being ice cream in my case. went down to the train, was harrasssed by an awful bitter old woman, who actually called gem a bitch. only to find my 'delayed' train wasn't really as delayed as they said it would be and as a result had left without me. next train was 9:27. it took me nearly an hour and a half to get an a train after leaving en's. and it really shoudl take 20 minutes max.
i was tired and annoyed. dad cracked the shits. the end.

03. and then, a bird shat on me.
don't try to tell me it's good luck. i won't believe you. i know, that's just what all the people who get shat on try to say to make themselves feel better. i'm not into that sort of denial.
So was walking along to the library (from the cafe where i was working on my assignment) to check online if my 10am class was going to be recorded (which meant i could skip it) because i didn't think i was gonna finish the assignment on time if i went. it wasn't recorded, but i didn't go anyway, mostly because I HAD BIRD SHIT DOWN MY TOP. now 'luckily' it wasn't on my dress, just on the hoodie i was wearing, because oh, that was my WORK DRESS. and i had work later on. i woulda been super hot. So i went back to the cafe, looked really sad alot, and washed my jumper in the sink. then my hands with antibacterial soap. kills 99.9% of germs they say.

o4. did i mention the assignment sucked?
it was fairly pointless. 2 sections.
- first involved giving advice to my hypothetical customer. he wanted to stop taking his prescription meds and take a more 'natural' alternative. i had to form a 'search strategy' it was like an assignment on google, seriously. but using data bases. 'i put in these words and got 439402834 billion results. this was too broad, so i added another search term, to refine my search i then got only 392 results. of these 3 were relevant' then i had to tell my patient what i found out in 500 words or less. which was super shit to write, because in real life, even though i talk alot, I DON'T TALK CONTINUOUSLY WITHOUT PAUSE for that long. poor pretend customer.
- the second part invovled 'critically appraising' a journal article about a study. mine was about the super awesome fun subject of gouty gout gout (and goutlike arthritis etc.). this wasn't that bad. just that my study didn't make much sense, because the people who carried it out are, well. idiots. but that was okay, i dealt with it. However, to add to my constant pain (literal as well) yesterday i had a 3 hour prac session on my favourite topic of gout. where my lecturer just liked to torture us. we were done (2 hours in) and he said, 'do you want to go home, or watch this video(ON GOUT)?' you can guess the answer. he then said 'shut up. this video is kinda shit, and you wont' get much out of it but watch it anway' and proceeded to make me want to KILL MYSELF. now you see, with our assignments, there were like 20 different studies and patient scenarios you could get. i was just oh so lucky to get gout. AND EVERYONE ELSE THERE, even though they hadn't spent the last week spewing gout (ew!) wanted to die also. imagine how awesome i felt. the last bit of the assignment involves posting 'meaningful' contributions on a discussion board. i am not very good at 'meaningful'.

05. after an appropriately long time spent at the cafe, i went to the library.
i didnt' go to any classes wednesday.
i couldn't remember really how to reference! because the last assignment i had was literally 2 and a half years ago. why do this to me pharmacy? i hate you! i went to the library because it has the amazing INTERNET. which is what i'm using now actually. and i had been avoiding the internet due to its 'distracting' properties. howevs i actually needed it then, to you know 'refine' my search and what not. after about an hour the internet CEASED TO FUNCTION but possibly jsut for me and for no real reason. i was really. pretty much, on the verge of tears. the whole day was already lots of nervous, stressed fun. i wandered around, trying out different locations, and turnign things off and back on, but to no avail. see, it was connecting, but just wouldn't let me do anything. and i don't know WHY it happeend because it previosuly was working jsut fine. until it just stopped. to spite me i bet. i freaked out alot, also because the assignment had to be submitted ONLINE. and like, yes. also, lots of things broke. at jungle juice also. i suspect it was my presence.

06. i was driven to insanity
while at the library, i needed to go to the bathroom (as you do when you drink coffee + lots of water, and if you're like me, then probs every 5 or so minutes) but anyway. it made me terribly sad how crazy i was becoming. obvs couldn't carry my laptop with me, so i left it. and saved everythign onto my usb, which i took with me, JUST IN CASE someone decided to steal my laptop, i would at least still have my assignments. yup. those were my priorities.

07. and then my phone turned off.
because it ran out of batteries. because my dad cracked the shits at me the night before, becaues he went into my room in search of the phone charger (it was in the bathroom) and realised what a mess it was/he couldn't find it etc. and so i was too scared to tell him i actually sorta needed it. but i still had 1 bar left, that should've totally lasted theday. so not. more like 2 hours.

08. in addition my horoscope said "do not think about chocolate" as the first words.
I read that far, and then was like, fuck, i'm screwed. i can't remember what the rest of it was about. but that was obvs the most important part, even though the start an dend of Jonathan's predictions are never in anyway related. Ali's reaction was "but you're the most chocolate obsessed person i know". And so i pulled the 2 blocks of chocolate out of my bag and started eating. I think Jonathan knows a gemini he hates. and so he's taking it out on me. i haven't had a good prediction in months. Though, my horoscope book keeps telling me how awesome May is, and it hasn't delivered. you can't win. After i submitted my assignment, in the little time i had not doing much before work, i went and had the most massive hot chocolate ever. becfause i was hyped from stress, and coffee might make me hear ringing in mjy ears (which is what i learnt today! and i haven't even been to class yet). yeah that's right. Fuck you Jonathan Cainer.

09. as soon as i submitted my assignment, i thought of more stuff to add
howevs i submitted at 2:30, TWO AND A HALF HOURS before the deadline. but only about an hour before my personal deadline. because i had to go to work and stuff.

10. And then i had to work.
until 9 pm. did i mention i only got 3 hours of broken sleep? i tried to stay up to finish the assignment, but was stupidly , ridiclusouly tired (normally if i sleep before 1am, i think i'm getting sick) but around 1 i wanted to DIE and couldn't keep my eyes open/focus at all. so i had a bit of a nap. and woke up again at 2 to keep working on it. i was STARVING and had the 'best' ever vita wheats. i think it was just the extreme hunger talking. stayed up till after 4, went to bed for a bit. and was up at 6 to get ready for the day of hell.
but i had ice cream at work, and that negates most of the negatives.

it more than sucks, its just too much.

reason # 82 - Why Studying is Evil:
You might be happily pretending to study in the library (the only place where its possible to 'study', which is an improvement on doing nothing). Not really paying attention to the screen, where you are replaying a lecture, complete with screen shots and audio. Semi-listening, looking down at your notes, which don't match the slides on the screen exactly, so you don't really know what's going on up there). You're not really listening either, slightly more focused on the clock/ceiling/green pen/large window/people downstairs/wanting coffee/hunger/chocolate/what to do next/how to next effectively pretend to study. When you glance up, and notice that OH HEY, HELLO THERE VAGINA THAT IS STARING YOU IN THE FACE. How long have you been on the screen for? And then you look around in the hopes that no one is paying more attention to your lecture than you are. Also, there was nothing else on the slide. No useful captions, just a picture.

It was a lecture on antibiotics by the way, not reproduction or anything where i would've expected that kinda thing.

reason #43 - Why Studying is Evil:
its fucking cold in here.

reason #61 - Why Studying is Evil:
i'm really hungry. but too lazy to move. also. have. no. money.

So until next time, when i'm chased out of the library, for looking like a pervert.

i'm teaching myself to believe in the things i don't understand

Lately I've been having several dreams with the general reoccuring theme of work (boring). and shoes.
together.
in the same dream.
frequently.
It's not a reoccuring dream.
It's different every time. But always, work and shoes.
I don't know what this means.
It totally confuses me.
Perhaps it means i should purchase some new shoes.
Purple ones. (I actually don't remember the shoes in all my dreams).
But I want purple ones. So i might just tell myself that it's increidbly important to my subconscious/for my pyschological well being that I go buy some. Like yesterday already.
In one dream i had to take off my shoes at work. Everyone did. And then I think they all got mixed up. and confusing?
In another I was working at ex-place of work, which was disapproving of my hair. And I was wearing totally the wrong shoes (ie. not black closed toe flats). In fact I was wearing two different shoes. I think one was yellow and one was green? I may be making this up. Who knows. it's not important. And it's not like you'll tell me I'm wrong.
It was kinda like my current workplace squished into the building of my old work.
And I might have started freaking out. And had to get someone to cover for me while I ran out on my lunch break? to buy some proper shoes. I recall buying them from Kmart or Big W or something similar.
Upon my return, I had some black peeptoe slingbacks. Also not the right kinda shoe.
It was all hugely problematic in my dream. But i like peeptoes. So I was probably happy.
The dreams started around the time my work was undergoing a management changeover. So it's probably got something to do with that.
I enjoy over analysing. So I will probably also say that it has something to do with worrying about not being able to live up to expectation (fill in your own shoes?). Other stuff. too. Probably. If i think too much. Which I really shouldn't do. It's too early.

I've noticed the past month or so I've actually been remembering my dreams. Half of them come out of nowhere. Does anyone dream about completely made up people? hybrids of people you actually know? Have music you actually like, stuck on a loop, as the psychotic soundtrack to your nightmare/sleep paralysis?

Sleep is weird. It's probably wasted on me, considering my body enjoys waking up at odd hours and not wanting to go back to sleep again. \
But I like the dreams.
And being confused about them.
And worrying about them.
And wondering if I should tell my friends I dreamt about making out with them (not at work).