felt like the start of something bigger

12/02/09
So did I mention I'm in geelong? Maybe, who knows. Expect this post to be written over the course of forever, because I don't even have the internet. Mostly I'm too cheap to pay for wireless broadband since i'm never ever gonna use the thingymibob you plug in ever again after this. Luckily I kick Tho off his laptop alot. This keeps me from going insane/having withdrawals. I have no idea where tho is, but thanks tho!

I've been 'working' at the hospital for 3 days now. I use the term working very loosely. Obvs this is placement, so I'm learning stuff too yeah? Anyway, this is much less slave labour and slightly more being-in-the-way. Skills I've learnt so far include: trying to stand as far out of the way as possible. Also, my blood sugar is kinda amazing, so I'm gonna keep eating candy. This false sense of security will probably give me diabetes and um, yeah... that's all I've got. Things I've found amusing include: the chute system thing where you can send little canisters around the hospital. They get sucked up (it even makes a sucking/whooshing noise) and it makes me giggle. Also, I found a tablet counter! You throw tablets in and the machine tells you how many. Apparently its super old school, but its totes AMAZING. I am super imprest. That's a stupid pun. I'm gonna go hide in the corner now.

---

14/02/09
Its saturday now. I ran away home because everyone who brought a car was going home. And I didn't particularly like the idea of being stranded. So I caught a lift back home. I don't really know what the deal is, but I'm already sick of placement. And I get this feeling its only gonna get worse.

Here's the thing though. The actual placement hasn't been that bad. Its kinda like the opposite of warrnambool. I'm not being used and abused, mostly because I don't actually know anything. So the actual being at the hospital is okay. But I'm over living in like a college, with shared living/cooking/laundry areas. I mean, we don't even have an oven. like what's up with that?!

---

15/02/09
I think the real deal is I've always been able to say: I don't know where I wanna go/what I wanna do, I mean, I've never even worked in hospital. I don't know what its like. What do pharmacists even do in hospitals? What if I love/like it? And well, now... I can't. My cop out/don't think about the future/whatevs gonna happen next option doesn't exist anymore. I've been, I've seen and I still don't know. I expected for some reason that I would have at least some idea. That way I could get my shit together and figure it out. But obvs that's asking for alot.

I'm scared of having to choose one way or another.

I guess I hoped this would change everything.

You know what has changed my life though? This:

yeah that lion is totally eating like, a whole goat. okay i exaggerate, only half a goat. i have pictures of goats with heads, but i won't show you.

I'm possibly scarred forever.

Here are some less disturbing photos from our excursion to the zoo:

its just amusing watching you dance

I really don't know what else to tell you. What is it you wanna hear?

This is everything, y'know?
I've been having a lot of thoughts, but most of themn are along the lines of 'dontfaildontfaildontfaildontfail' followed by 'ihateunihatehatehateunihateargh'.

Its Sunday, and i'm at the library. I've never done this before. Saturday was the limit, and that was a recent thing too. Before all this I'd avoid the library at all costs. I'm pretty sure i've never even borrowed a library book for myself at the uni library.


It was all about just doing well enough to pass. And in this freaking course, that's hard enough as it is. Even my crazy parents say you just have to pass. that's all. Granted, they're probably trying to make me feel better when i think i've just failed.

And, I know this is awful, but I don't feel like there's any reason to do really well. Its kind of completely pointless. Nothing I'm learning here can really be applied out there in the real world. Can draw the structure of morphine? Biosynthesis of cholesterol/steroids? pH-rate profiles? Sound like gibberish to you? Yeah i thought so. And that's the whole thing. They teach us about communication, body language, lean forward eye contact, hand on top when shaking hands is the dominant position, but what does it all mean? We're supposed to be able to communicate with our clients, but its not as if i can spew any of this state of ionisation stuff to even the most educated patients. They don't care, and more importantly it doesn't even matter.

Yet, despite all that, i strangely want to actually do well. More than just passing and getting through. Its never been like this. I refuse to stay up late to study, refuse to pull all nighters, refuse to change too much to accomodate the craziness.

All of that's still there, except here I am at the library, on a Sunday. People are glaring at me for no reason, and the electric bin opened automatically as i walked past (wonder what it was trying to tell me) and i'm starting to even though it doesn't matter.

So i'm gonna take my books, head down for some coffee, and hope another rubber penis doesn't fall from the sky like it did on the way here. Then i'm gonna go to the beach.