- i have paid off nearly all of my uni fees for this semester (i'm paying the last bit tomorrow - this is borrowed money, but i'm becoming more okay with this) ALL ON MY OWN, this makes me ver happy. very happy and very poor. the government is raping me.
- i no longer am as scared of working during the day as i used to be, this may be because my boss doesn't suck. am also slightly afraid of DYING when i work at night,which is always.
- i am writing this because i am embarrassed by the length of the last entry, and i don't want it to be at the top anymore.
- i am surprisingly good at squishing things to make room, i played a lot of tetris, it came in handy.
- i dislike statistics
- i figured out yesterday WHY i was taught statistics in first year.
- its apparently more useful than i thought it would be, because you need to know how it works in order to understand any journal articles.
- too bad i don't remember anything.
i like ice cream, lychee and lime kind
i don't like that i can't find it anywhere.
i want dumplings and coffee,
but not togther probs.
i don't like the weather, its fucking insane. no, its schitzophrenic, that's what it is.
i don't like uni, but i don't like not uni either.
i cant win.
i just got nail polish on my left index finger andi suspect also on the 'space' key.
once i knocked some nail polish off a shelf at a department store and it shattered, i have nail polish on the jeans i wore, and also on my chucks. luckily everything matches.
i worked last night, DREAMT ABOUT WORK, and then worked first thing in the morning. it was like 24 hours of continuous work.
i like the words 'sphenoid' and 'furuncle.
i think this is the end.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Saturday, March 22, 2008
well sit right down my wicked son, let me tell you a story
these past 3 or so weeks have felt a little bit odd. I still feel like we're just 'getting into' the year at uni. But we've been there for 4 weeks already. And now we've got a week off 'mid semester break' they say. (the semester is 13 weeks long, obviously they aren't good at maths).
My mum's been overseas for the last 2 weeks as well, which probably hasn't helped with everything. And I'm totally overparenting, my sister probably hates me (she's 14, isn't that what they do?).
By the 2nd week back at uni, I was already falling apart slightly. Highlights include:
- Mum deciding that she couldn't take it anymore, and had to go overseas for her health. Leaving 2 days later. My parents really aren't the type to leave us behind i suppose. We never really had baby sitters because they were going out together. I mean, we were in daycare CONSTANTLY from pretty much a really young age (um, maybe 6 months?) but it was because they were working. That is totally understandable. I remember my mum telling me this story about me when I was little. She was dropping me off at a family friend's house.
little me: why do you have to go?
mum: i have to go to work, how else will i have money to buy you toys?
little me: i don't need toys, i just want you to stay.
I have sort of lost where i am going with this. But for us, holidays were for family. We went together. Special occasions, same thing. Our parents never excluded us. So it's kinda weird for her to be leaving I suppose. Especially by herself.
Other times, my family have gone away, and I've had to stay here because of school etc. But I've never had to look after someone else. When they all went to vietnam, I was forced to stay with my aunt. She didn't work at the time, so she was always home, cooking, cleaning, DOING THINGS FOR ME. it was a bit crazy and suffocating. Then last year, my mum and sister went overseas for a holiday. I had to stay because of uni (drainmy life) but I was with my dad, and I basically only had to look after myself. This time though, I've got my sister. She's 14, but she needs to be looked after. I have to make sure she's awake before I leave for uni, otherwise she just wouldn't make it to school. I have to check she's packed lunch. If I don't tell her to, she doesn't eat breakfast. Or if I tell her, and she can't find it? she won't eat. And then she'll complain about being hungry. Its actually really frustrating.
- Picking groups to go away with on rural placement, and the drama that ensued. So over this. So don't feel like talking about it. Basically STRESS, but now everything is okay. It just drove me insane. And seemed to bringout the worst in group politics etc.
- Publically bursting into tears, not just once but three times. In the same day. So now I've cried in a stairwell at uni, very openly along royal parade (why is there nowhere to hide there?) and also at jungle juice. Awesome, I win.
- Drinking in the pipe at the children's playground. Yes, so completely not suss. Well, I would've gone to the cemetary, but no one else seemed particularly keen on that idea. I then played with little kids and wondered why they'd taken half the swings away.
- Work sucking.
I have the worst headache at the moment. I suspect caffiene withdrawl, but I was okay yesterday. So maybe it's actually something else. After the awesomeness that was week two, i kinda started coming down with a cold 'ie. i had a SLIGHT case of the sniffles' but i was freaking out because i haven't been sick in a really long time, and i'm worried that when i do actually get sick it's gonna be BAD. So I practically ODed on vitamins etc, and the sniffles left, but they keep coming back after a week or so. Its kinda screwing up my life.
Week three was pretty awesome, because I spent most of it neglecting uni, annoying my sister and being excited that Tara Simmons was coming to town. Also, placements were FINALLY sorted. Which made me incredibly happy. I am still worried about actually having to live in a confined space with other people. But that's another story.
Uni just spends most of its time feeling very LONG and HUNGRY. Potentially when it even isnt either. I've never been one to actually recount the things I've done very much. So I am finding this a bit weird, esp since I am all, hmm. what did i do on monday I can't remember HUGE GAPING HOLE IN MY LIFE but that's okay. Tara and Briony arrived late Wednesday afternoon. And I was content to stalk them, however they called me which saved me a lot of trouble. It was all good timing too, because I was at the library, and completely like this is making me want to kill myself. I have to move. Was gathering up my books, looking for a bin, and recieved a call informing me they were around the corner. They ate, I helped assemble the promo demos. And then we handed them out to strangers.
I've eaten, and i don't really feel much better. Oh well. The gig was on thursday night, and they were awesome. It was also insanely hot, pretty much that whole week. Potentially my fault, because I begged Briony to bring the sun down with her the week before. Obvs, she is a bit of an overachiever, and did wayyy too well. I wore my new dress. It was exciting. I was waiting for them to finish soundchecking at the library (yeah i'm becoming a nerd, it's strange) when some guy I'd never seen before asked for my number. Odd. It went like this.
*marlene is sitting on couch, writing notes*
*guy sits down next to her*
him: can i borrow a pen?
me: sure *gives him pen* (i have about a bajillion pens. in pretty much every colour.)
*marlene keeps 'studying'*
some time later he puts the pen back down on the armrest of the couch between us, with a note 'can i have your number :)'
*marlene freaks out quite a lot* i muttered something like 'sorry, i'm not interested', and went back to writing notes. He said 'oh i needed the pena nyway'
Neither of us moved for awhile, and it was getting awkward. He got up after awhile, and I didn't want to still be sitting there when he came back around (which he would eventually have to do to leave). So I ran away.
Friday was spent not going to uni. 'Studying'. Eating the same flourless chocolate cake that changed my life last time i had it (also with Tara). Melting. Shopping with Briony. Getting blisters on my feet. Sharing the most difficult to eat ever vermicelli 'salad' and being teased by the waiter for hanging around too long.
I just ate some more. I am feeling a bit sick now. oops.
Last week was spent being sick of uni. Monday was dedicated to eating slash spending all my money on food. Anna came down to visit from Sydney, and we shared what was possibly the hugest omlette ever. I spotted her from my stalker window in the library, and tried to call her, only to discover I had insufficient funds on my phone. We also wandered around a lot. Ate a cupcake, and tried to discover melbourne's laneways. The last two weeks have taught me I know pretty much zero about melbourne, and am confused when people ask me what are the good things to see/do. Because everything is so normal for me. I am also pretty crap at dinner locations. I apparently only know things that start with 'c' (coffee, crepes, cake, chinese dumplings etc.) Later on, caught up with Gemma, so we could binge eat and window shop (we're both trying to save money). I'd sorta forgotten how much I love dumplings. And that they should be a staple in my diet. (Along with ribena, coffee, chocolate, and sushi as described by me to Briony re: things we should eat). I also spent the latter part of the week crushing on someone who works at the coffee shop I go too. I hope no one googles this, because that would be embarassing.
I feel like I've already written so much that no one will be bothered to read it. It's just like paragraphs upon paragraphs of tiny ant like words. I feel like I spent a lot of time at jungle juice and the library last week. Which, really isn't very unusual. Those are pretty much the only places i will be that are not work/uni/home.
And now what I actually meant to write about which is holidays. Which I actually can't really be botehred writing about anymore. I was just going to mention that they're weird. And I don't really consume coffee during them, which I think may freak my body out a little bit. Also on the holidays, I don't really feel like I get to do anything, or have much of a break. I mostly usually either hang out at home with my sister. Or go help my parents out at work. Which are kinda of the reasons I hate the holidays a little bit. Well the reasons I hated the summer holidays a lot. And it was usually because I was working, and working with my parents really makes me a little bit suicidal.
I have no photos, because my mum is in vietnam with my camera. Photos are important to me. I really think I should stop procrastinating so much. Maybe I'll go lie down.
My mum's been overseas for the last 2 weeks as well, which probably hasn't helped with everything. And I'm totally overparenting, my sister probably hates me (she's 14, isn't that what they do?).
By the 2nd week back at uni, I was already falling apart slightly. Highlights include:
- Mum deciding that she couldn't take it anymore, and had to go overseas for her health. Leaving 2 days later. My parents really aren't the type to leave us behind i suppose. We never really had baby sitters because they were going out together. I mean, we were in daycare CONSTANTLY from pretty much a really young age (um, maybe 6 months?) but it was because they were working. That is totally understandable. I remember my mum telling me this story about me when I was little. She was dropping me off at a family friend's house.
little me: why do you have to go?
mum: i have to go to work, how else will i have money to buy you toys?
little me: i don't need toys, i just want you to stay.
I have sort of lost where i am going with this. But for us, holidays were for family. We went together. Special occasions, same thing. Our parents never excluded us. So it's kinda weird for her to be leaving I suppose. Especially by herself.
Other times, my family have gone away, and I've had to stay here because of school etc. But I've never had to look after someone else. When they all went to vietnam, I was forced to stay with my aunt. She didn't work at the time, so she was always home, cooking, cleaning, DOING THINGS FOR ME. it was a bit crazy and suffocating. Then last year, my mum and sister went overseas for a holiday. I had to stay because of uni (drainmy life) but I was with my dad, and I basically only had to look after myself. This time though, I've got my sister. She's 14, but she needs to be looked after. I have to make sure she's awake before I leave for uni, otherwise she just wouldn't make it to school. I have to check she's packed lunch. If I don't tell her to, she doesn't eat breakfast. Or if I tell her, and she can't find it? she won't eat. And then she'll complain about being hungry. Its actually really frustrating.
- Picking groups to go away with on rural placement, and the drama that ensued. So over this. So don't feel like talking about it. Basically STRESS, but now everything is okay. It just drove me insane. And seemed to bringout the worst in group politics etc.
- Publically bursting into tears, not just once but three times. In the same day. So now I've cried in a stairwell at uni, very openly along royal parade (why is there nowhere to hide there?) and also at jungle juice. Awesome, I win.
- Drinking in the pipe at the children's playground. Yes, so completely not suss. Well, I would've gone to the cemetary, but no one else seemed particularly keen on that idea. I then played with little kids and wondered why they'd taken half the swings away.
- Work sucking.
I have the worst headache at the moment. I suspect caffiene withdrawl, but I was okay yesterday. So maybe it's actually something else. After the awesomeness that was week two, i kinda started coming down with a cold 'ie. i had a SLIGHT case of the sniffles' but i was freaking out because i haven't been sick in a really long time, and i'm worried that when i do actually get sick it's gonna be BAD. So I practically ODed on vitamins etc, and the sniffles left, but they keep coming back after a week or so. Its kinda screwing up my life.
Week three was pretty awesome, because I spent most of it neglecting uni, annoying my sister and being excited that Tara Simmons was coming to town. Also, placements were FINALLY sorted. Which made me incredibly happy. I am still worried about actually having to live in a confined space with other people. But that's another story.
Uni just spends most of its time feeling very LONG and HUNGRY. Potentially when it even isnt either. I've never been one to actually recount the things I've done very much. So I am finding this a bit weird, esp since I am all, hmm. what did i do on monday I can't remember HUGE GAPING HOLE IN MY LIFE but that's okay. Tara and Briony arrived late Wednesday afternoon. And I was content to stalk them, however they called me which saved me a lot of trouble. It was all good timing too, because I was at the library, and completely like this is making me want to kill myself. I have to move. Was gathering up my books, looking for a bin, and recieved a call informing me they were around the corner. They ate, I helped assemble the promo demos. And then we handed them out to strangers.
I've eaten, and i don't really feel much better. Oh well. The gig was on thursday night, and they were awesome. It was also insanely hot, pretty much that whole week. Potentially my fault, because I begged Briony to bring the sun down with her the week before. Obvs, she is a bit of an overachiever, and did wayyy too well. I wore my new dress. It was exciting. I was waiting for them to finish soundchecking at the library (yeah i'm becoming a nerd, it's strange) when some guy I'd never seen before asked for my number. Odd. It went like this.
*marlene is sitting on couch, writing notes*
*guy sits down next to her*
him: can i borrow a pen?
me: sure *gives him pen* (i have about a bajillion pens. in pretty much every colour.)
*marlene keeps 'studying'*
some time later he puts the pen back down on the armrest of the couch between us, with a note 'can i have your number :)'
*marlene freaks out quite a lot* i muttered something like 'sorry, i'm not interested', and went back to writing notes. He said 'oh i needed the pena nyway'
Neither of us moved for awhile, and it was getting awkward. He got up after awhile, and I didn't want to still be sitting there when he came back around (which he would eventually have to do to leave). So I ran away.
Friday was spent not going to uni. 'Studying'. Eating the same flourless chocolate cake that changed my life last time i had it (also with Tara). Melting. Shopping with Briony. Getting blisters on my feet. Sharing the most difficult to eat ever vermicelli 'salad' and being teased by the waiter for hanging around too long.
I just ate some more. I am feeling a bit sick now. oops.
Last week was spent being sick of uni. Monday was dedicated to eating slash spending all my money on food. Anna came down to visit from Sydney, and we shared what was possibly the hugest omlette ever. I spotted her from my stalker window in the library, and tried to call her, only to discover I had insufficient funds on my phone. We also wandered around a lot. Ate a cupcake, and tried to discover melbourne's laneways. The last two weeks have taught me I know pretty much zero about melbourne, and am confused when people ask me what are the good things to see/do. Because everything is so normal for me. I am also pretty crap at dinner locations. I apparently only know things that start with 'c' (coffee, crepes, cake, chinese dumplings etc.) Later on, caught up with Gemma, so we could binge eat and window shop (we're both trying to save money). I'd sorta forgotten how much I love dumplings. And that they should be a staple in my diet. (Along with ribena, coffee, chocolate, and sushi as described by me to Briony re: things we should eat). I also spent the latter part of the week crushing on someone who works at the coffee shop I go too. I hope no one googles this, because that would be embarassing.
I feel like I've already written so much that no one will be bothered to read it. It's just like paragraphs upon paragraphs of tiny ant like words. I feel like I spent a lot of time at jungle juice and the library last week. Which, really isn't very unusual. Those are pretty much the only places i will be that are not work/uni/home.
And now what I actually meant to write about which is holidays. Which I actually can't really be botehred writing about anymore. I was just going to mention that they're weird. And I don't really consume coffee during them, which I think may freak my body out a little bit. Also on the holidays, I don't really feel like I get to do anything, or have much of a break. I mostly usually either hang out at home with my sister. Or go help my parents out at work. Which are kinda of the reasons I hate the holidays a little bit. Well the reasons I hated the summer holidays a lot. And it was usually because I was working, and working with my parents really makes me a little bit suicidal.
I have no photos, because my mum is in vietnam with my camera. Photos are important to me. I really think I should stop procrastinating so much. Maybe I'll go lie down.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
i'm teaching myself to believe in the things i don't understand
Lately I've been having several dreams with the general reoccuring theme of work (boring). and shoes.
together.
in the same dream.
frequently.
It's not a reoccuring dream.
It's different every time. But always, work and shoes.
I don't know what this means.
It totally confuses me.
Perhaps it means i should purchase some new shoes.
Purple ones. (I actually don't remember the shoes in all my dreams).
But I want purple ones. So i might just tell myself that it's increidbly important to my subconscious/for my pyschological well being that I go buy some. Like yesterday already.
In one dream i had to take off my shoes at work. Everyone did. And then I think they all got mixed up. and confusing?
In another I was working at ex-place of work, which was disapproving of my hair. And I was wearing totally the wrong shoes (ie. not black closed toe flats). In fact I was wearing two different shoes. I think one was yellow and one was green? I may be making this up. Who knows. it's not important. And it's not like you'll tell me I'm wrong.
It was kinda like my current workplace squished into the building of my old work.
And I might have started freaking out. And had to get someone to cover for me while I ran out on my lunch break? to buy some proper shoes. I recall buying them from Kmart or Big W or something similar.
Upon my return, I had some black peeptoe slingbacks. Also not the right kinda shoe.
It was all hugely problematic in my dream. But i like peeptoes. So I was probably happy.
The dreams started around the time my work was undergoing a management changeover. So it's probably got something to do with that.
I enjoy over analysing. So I will probably also say that it has something to do with worrying about not being able to live up to expectation (fill in your own shoes?). Other stuff. too. Probably. If i think too much. Which I really shouldn't do. It's too early.
I've noticed the past month or so I've actually been remembering my dreams. Half of them come out of nowhere. Does anyone dream about completely made up people? hybrids of people you actually know? Have music you actually like, stuck on a loop, as the psychotic soundtrack to your nightmare/sleep paralysis?
Sleep is weird. It's probably wasted on me, considering my body enjoys waking up at odd hours and not wanting to go back to sleep again. \
But I like the dreams.
And being confused about them.
And worrying about them.
And wondering if I should tell my friends I dreamt about making out with them (not at work).
together.
in the same dream.
frequently.
It's not a reoccuring dream.
It's different every time. But always, work and shoes.
I don't know what this means.
It totally confuses me.
Perhaps it means i should purchase some new shoes.
Purple ones. (I actually don't remember the shoes in all my dreams).
But I want purple ones. So i might just tell myself that it's increidbly important to my subconscious/for my pyschological well being that I go buy some. Like yesterday already.
In one dream i had to take off my shoes at work. Everyone did. And then I think they all got mixed up. and confusing?
In another I was working at ex-place of work, which was disapproving of my hair. And I was wearing totally the wrong shoes (ie. not black closed toe flats). In fact I was wearing two different shoes. I think one was yellow and one was green? I may be making this up. Who knows. it's not important. And it's not like you'll tell me I'm wrong.
It was kinda like my current workplace squished into the building of my old work.
And I might have started freaking out. And had to get someone to cover for me while I ran out on my lunch break? to buy some proper shoes. I recall buying them from Kmart or Big W or something similar.
Upon my return, I had some black peeptoe slingbacks. Also not the right kinda shoe.
It was all hugely problematic in my dream. But i like peeptoes. So I was probably happy.
The dreams started around the time my work was undergoing a management changeover. So it's probably got something to do with that.
I enjoy over analysing. So I will probably also say that it has something to do with worrying about not being able to live up to expectation (fill in your own shoes?). Other stuff. too. Probably. If i think too much. Which I really shouldn't do. It's too early.
I've noticed the past month or so I've actually been remembering my dreams. Half of them come out of nowhere. Does anyone dream about completely made up people? hybrids of people you actually know? Have music you actually like, stuck on a loop, as the psychotic soundtrack to your nightmare/sleep paralysis?
Sleep is weird. It's probably wasted on me, considering my body enjoys waking up at odd hours and not wanting to go back to sleep again. \
But I like the dreams.
And being confused about them.
And worrying about them.
And wondering if I should tell my friends I dreamt about making out with them (not at work).
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