you know its easy to get me to stay

i live in/near a suburb with a pretty bad reputation.
i never really thought it was that bad though. it was all talk, after all, i've lived here all my life.

i used to joke about feeling unsafe. about how i was totally going to die working at night. about how i'd get mugged in the street. but i never really believed it. i mean i probably wouldn't walk around alone at night... but whatever, i'm sheltered, okay?

the last month or so however, i have been genuinely concerned.

around a month ago, a 17 year old boy was attacked by 3 other teens (16-20 years old), was taken to hospital in a critical condition, and died around a week later. the fatal blow was from a tomahawk, which is one of these in case you were wondering (i had no idea what it was). This was like 2 minutes down the road from my house.

a week or two later someone set a car on fire (i guess it must've been stolen) behind my parent's work. it must've been so hot that all the windows shattered, there're crazy smoke marks on the brick wall a few meters away, our BINS MELTED (this was actually kinda hilarious, except that the bin was full of paper, and we were really lucky it didn't set the whole place on fire) and you could see where the petrol had trickled out. i was very VERY surprised that the whole thing handed exploded from looking at it. asif that wasn't bad enough, what gets to me is that no one seems to care about anyone else. there are people who live in flats above my parent's office, and they KNEW about the car, yet no one thought to call the fire brigade? My dad had to do it in the morning, when he came to open the office up, and luckily the flames were dying down. My parents work together. Their business is very much a family one, if business is bad, it affects us so badly, because we are entirely invested in it. I don't know what we would've done.

later that same week, on the way back from the bank my dad saw some kind of fight where much blood was drawn, and he had to call the police.

just yesterday, someone was stabbed (multiple times) outside of my work. So i'm feeling particularly safe. the fight started outside my work, and the actual stabbing happened 2 doors down. i had to go to a meeting at work a few hours after it happened, and it looked like a scene froma movie. it didn't seem real. the street was blocked off, and i had to go in the back entrance, because they obviously weren't letting anyone through the crime scene.

uh so yeahhh... i'm freaked the fuck out. And i work at night 99% of the time. My parents have wanted me to quit for ages, because they said it wasn't safe, but i was like. yeah whatever, asif anything's going to happen. now i'm not so sure. I mean, this happened in BROAD DAYLIGHT (around 2 :40pm), who's to say what goes on at night. At the same time, i really need the work/money/experience.

so yeah, nothing new or exciting happening on my side. x

there was a chance you'd surprise me

- i have paid off nearly all of my uni fees for this semester (i'm paying the last bit tomorrow - this is borrowed money, but i'm becoming more okay with this) ALL ON MY OWN, this makes me ver happy. very happy and very poor. the government is raping me.

- i no longer am as scared of working during the day as i used to be, this may be because my boss doesn't suck. am also slightly afraid of DYING when i work at night,which is always.

- i am writing this because i am embarrassed by the length of the last entry, and i don't want it to be at the top anymore.

- i am surprisingly good at squishing things to make room, i played a lot of tetris, it came in handy.

- i dislike statistics

- i figured out yesterday WHY i was taught statistics in first year.

- its apparently more useful than i thought it would be, because you need to know how it works in order to understand any journal articles.

- too bad i don't remember anything.

i like ice cream, lychee and lime kind
i don't like that i can't find it anywhere.
i want dumplings and coffee,
but not togther probs.
i don't like the weather, its fucking insane. no, its schitzophrenic, that's what it is.
i don't like uni, but i don't like not uni either.
i cant win.
i just got nail polish on my left index finger andi suspect also on the 'space' key.
once i knocked some nail polish off a shelf at a department store and it shattered, i have nail polish on the jeans i wore, and also on my chucks. luckily everything matches.
i worked last night, DREAMT ABOUT WORK, and then worked first thing in the morning. it was like 24 hours of continuous work.
i like the words 'sphenoid' and 'furuncle.
i think this is the end.

well sit right down my wicked son, let me tell you a story

these past 3 or so weeks have felt a little bit odd. I still feel like we're just 'getting into' the year at uni. But we've been there for 4 weeks already. And now we've got a week off 'mid semester break' they say. (the semester is 13 weeks long, obviously they aren't good at maths).

My mum's been overseas for the last 2 weeks as well, which probably hasn't helped with everything. And I'm totally overparenting, my sister probably hates me (she's 14, isn't that what they do?).

By the 2nd week back at uni, I was already falling apart slightly. Highlights include:
- Mum deciding that she couldn't take it anymore, and had to go overseas for her health. Leaving 2 days later. My parents really aren't the type to leave us behind i suppose. We never really had baby sitters because they were going out together. I mean, we were in daycare CONSTANTLY from pretty much a really young age (um, maybe 6 months?) but it was because they were working. That is totally understandable. I remember my mum telling me this story about me when I was little. She was dropping me off at a family friend's house.
little me: why do you have to go?
mum: i have to go to work, how else will i have money to buy you toys?
little me: i don't need toys, i just want you to stay.
I have sort of lost where i am going with this. But for us, holidays were for family. We went together. Special occasions, same thing. Our parents never excluded us. So it's kinda weird for her to be leaving I suppose. Especially by herself.
Other times, my family have gone away, and I've had to stay here because of school etc. But I've never had to look after someone else. When they all went to vietnam, I was forced to stay with my aunt. She didn't work at the time, so she was always home, cooking, cleaning, DOING THINGS FOR ME. it was a bit crazy and suffocating. Then last year, my mum and sister went overseas for a holiday. I had to stay because of uni (drainmy life) but I was with my dad, and I basically only had to look after myself. This time though, I've got my sister. She's 14, but she needs to be looked after. I have to make sure she's awake before I leave for uni, otherwise she just wouldn't make it to school. I have to check she's packed lunch. If I don't tell her to, she doesn't eat breakfast. Or if I tell her, and she can't find it? she won't eat. And then she'll complain about being hungry. Its actually really frustrating.

- Picking groups to go away with on rural placement, and the drama that ensued. So over this. So don't feel like talking about it. Basically STRESS, but now everything is okay. It just drove me insane. And seemed to bringout the worst in group politics etc.

- Publically bursting into tears, not just once but three times. In the same day. So now I've cried in a stairwell at uni, very openly along royal parade (why is there nowhere to hide there?) and also at jungle juice. Awesome, I win.

- Drinking in the pipe at the children's playground. Yes, so completely not suss. Well, I would've gone to the cemetary, but no one else seemed particularly keen on that idea. I then played with little kids and wondered why they'd taken half the swings away.

- Work sucking.

I have the worst headache at the moment. I suspect caffiene withdrawl, but I was okay yesterday. So maybe it's actually something else. After the awesomeness that was week two, i kinda started coming down with a cold 'ie. i had a SLIGHT case of the sniffles' but i was freaking out because i haven't been sick in a really long time, and i'm worried that when i do actually get sick it's gonna be BAD. So I practically ODed on vitamins etc, and the sniffles left, but they keep coming back after a week or so. Its kinda screwing up my life.

Week three was pretty awesome, because I spent most of it neglecting uni, annoying my sister and being excited that Tara Simmons was coming to town. Also, placements were FINALLY sorted. Which made me incredibly happy. I am still worried about actually having to live in a confined space with other people. But that's another story.

Uni just spends most of its time feeling very LONG and HUNGRY. Potentially when it even isnt either. I've never been one to actually recount the things I've done very much. So I am finding this a bit weird, esp since I am all, hmm. what did i do on monday I can't remember HUGE GAPING HOLE IN MY LIFE but that's okay. Tara and Briony arrived late Wednesday afternoon. And I was content to stalk them, however they called me which saved me a lot of trouble. It was all good timing too, because I was at the library, and completely like this is making me want to kill myself. I have to move. Was gathering up my books, looking for a bin, and recieved a call informing me they were around the corner. They ate, I helped assemble the promo demos. And then we handed them out to strangers.

I've eaten, and i don't really feel much better. Oh well. The gig was on thursday night, and they were awesome. It was also insanely hot, pretty much that whole week. Potentially my fault, because I begged Briony to bring the sun down with her the week before. Obvs, she is a bit of an overachiever, and did wayyy too well. I wore my new dress. It was exciting. I was waiting for them to finish soundchecking at the library (yeah i'm becoming a nerd, it's strange) when some guy I'd never seen before asked for my number. Odd. It went like this.

*marlene is sitting on couch, writing notes*
*guy sits down next to her*
him: can i borrow a pen?
me: sure *gives him pen* (i have about a bajillion pens. in pretty much every colour.)
*marlene keeps 'studying'*
some time later he puts the pen back down on the armrest of the couch between us, with a note 'can i have your number :)'
*marlene freaks out quite a lot* i muttered something like 'sorry, i'm not interested', and went back to writing notes. He said 'oh i needed the pena nyway'
Neither of us moved for awhile, and it was getting awkward. He got up after awhile, and I didn't want to still be sitting there when he came back around (which he would eventually have to do to leave). So I ran away.

Friday was spent not going to uni. 'Studying'. Eating the same flourless chocolate cake that changed my life last time i had it (also with Tara). Melting. Shopping with Briony. Getting blisters on my feet. Sharing the most difficult to eat ever vermicelli 'salad' and being teased by the waiter for hanging around too long.

I just ate some more. I am feeling a bit sick now. oops.

Last week was spent being sick of uni. Monday was dedicated to eating slash spending all my money on food. Anna came down to visit from Sydney, and we shared what was possibly the hugest omlette ever. I spotted her from my stalker window in the library, and tried to call her, only to discover I had insufficient funds on my phone. We also wandered around a lot. Ate a cupcake, and tried to discover melbourne's laneways. The last two weeks have taught me I know pretty much zero about melbourne, and am confused when people ask me what are the good things to see/do. Because everything is so normal for me. I am also pretty crap at dinner locations. I apparently only know things that start with 'c' (coffee, crepes, cake, chinese dumplings etc.) Later on, caught up with Gemma, so we could binge eat and window shop (we're both trying to save money). I'd sorta forgotten how much I love dumplings. And that they should be a staple in my diet. (Along with ribena, coffee, chocolate, and sushi as described by me to Briony re: things we should eat). I also spent the latter part of the week crushing on someone who works at the coffee shop I go too. I hope no one googles this, because that would be embarassing.

I feel like I've already written so much that no one will be bothered to read it. It's just like paragraphs upon paragraphs of tiny ant like words. I feel like I spent a lot of time at jungle juice and the library last week. Which, really isn't very unusual. Those are pretty much the only places i will be that are not work/uni/home.

And now what I actually meant to write about which is holidays. Which I actually can't really be botehred writing about anymore. I was just going to mention that they're weird. And I don't really consume coffee during them, which I think may freak my body out a little bit. Also on the holidays, I don't really feel like I get to do anything, or have much of a break. I mostly usually either hang out at home with my sister. Or go help my parents out at work. Which are kinda of the reasons I hate the holidays a little bit. Well the reasons I hated the summer holidays a lot. And it was usually because I was working, and working with my parents really makes me a little bit suicidal.

I have no photos, because my mum is in vietnam with my camera. Photos are important to me. I really think I should stop procrastinating so much. Maybe I'll go lie down.

I heard a funny thing today, that i'm addicted to cocaine

My parents seem to be totally convinced that if I drink a whole cruiser, I will get drunk, fall over a lot, pass out, and possibly get alcohol poisoning and need to get my stomach pumped.

I started this post like 3 days ago. And i have no idea where I was going with it. I have to go to work in 24 minutes. And I really, really need/want a coffee. But I'm trying desperately to save money until the end of next month, (update: I BOUGHT A DRESS TODAY! my self control is amazing.) which makes me COMPLETELY BORING. And constantly hungry, but that's a given anyway.

It's weird being back at uni. I love/hate it alot.

I had a minor freak out on Tuesday morning when I got on the tram. I was like, do I even know where I'm going anymore? Is this the right tram? Has the route changed? Do I remember the stop?

But uni's got this strange familiarity about it. A slight security, and a weirdo twisted sense of freedom.

Most seem to be unhappy to be back. The holidays weren't long enough they say, It went so quickly, I can't believe we're back already. Maybe it's because I don't really feel like I had much of a holiday. Working crazy hours in a job I hated, to help my parents out. I was glad to go back. Happy to get away from sitting at a desk, being yelled at by people who refused to leave messages, happy not to have the 60 hour working weeks that drained my life.

It's strange. I don't really feel like I have a right to complain (but I do anyway). How were your holidays? they ask. Meh, Okay I say. I worked for my parents, I hated it. Did I get paid? I did. It wasn't much, but it was something. And it's not as if I did a whole lot anyway. I was probably in the way more than anything. I felt like, they didn't really need me there. My friends said it was a conspiracy, their careful scheme, obviously a plan that meant I couldn't really go out, drink a whole cruiser, and fall over. HA! But they told me they needed me. And that was enough. I owe it to them. I felt mostly that they needed me more to babysit the office. So it could stay open, people could walk in and out, pay their rent. And my parents could go do their thing. (We're in real estate btw.) It was frustrating, it drove me insane. But I did it, and I'm glad I don't have to anymore.

Uni however is tiring. Sitting on your arse gets old fast. I've been to all my classes so far. And I'm preetttty proud. That's not to say I've STAYED in all my classes, but whatever. I didn't have any chocolate.

Winning uni moments: Pharmacology lecturer, demonstrating how to snort cocaine/Lecturer saying "I'm not here to teach you about microbiology" - during microbiology (REASSURING)/Lecturer telling us we're wasting our time listening to him talk rubbish, time is money. We could be earning some (oh hey, thanks for reminding me.)/New fish slash starfish yet to be named. This one's for you Gemma:


Uni's crazy. It's frustrating. It annoys me. It's fake cold/hot. It's more like high school than anything. But it's constant. It's something to go back to. It kinda gives me purpose.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, WHY HELLO, ITS A LLAMA* NAMED PECCADILLO (disclaimer: May or may not be it's name. it started with P, i dont remember the rest). Oh hello Peccadillo, what were you doing in the middle of the mall?


* Is actually an Alpaca, not a Llama.

In other news:

there's a limit to your love

What is it lately that's making my sleep more erratic than normal.
I sleep late, which is normal for me, then wake up a few hours later unable to go back to sleep.
Usually about 3 or 4 hours later?
It makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. What is my body trying to tell me?
I mean sleep for me has never been awesome. What with the freaky hallucinogen inducing sleep paralysis that's been happening pretty consistently for about 5 or 6 years. I'm almost kinda so used to that now that i'm can nearly predict when it's going to happen. And when it does I'm not as freaked out as I used to be, I'm just kinda like, Oh, come on, not again! Hurry the fuck up. I want to go to sleep. Though, sometimes it's worse.

There's not really much to say. This i s just a i-can't-sleep-and-it's-five-am-so-i-don't-know-what-else-to-do-with-myself post.
My anxiety-inducing uni timetable previously written in ancient Egyptian and now translated to 'making sense' is looking a lot better than expected.
I mean, the occasional day off? this has never happened before. What will I do with myself? Free time? It can't be possible.

Also, I got a BLISTER from cutting stripping for shelf labels at work. A blister! From not my shoes, at work! I bet everyone will hate me because there's still so much to get done.
But our store's got new managment, and everything is happening at once. We have so much more stock, it's so exciting! We got extra shelves, and i'm like, THESE SHELVES, THEY ARE FULL?! when our old ones were boringly empty looking. It's like its a real pharmacy now! I better try and get back to sleep to prepare myself for the crazies.
I mean, four hours sleep is better than three hey?

dot the i

rant ranty rant.
I'm really fricken annoyed.
Someone from work called a few hours ago, asking me if I could do their shift tomorrow.
I said yes.
Then proceeded to rearrange my shit so I could work for them.
I come home from doing some of the things I had to do so I could work, freaked out that my uniform was gross, washed it. And went upstairs to get ready to go out. Checking my phone to see if my lift was ever going to arrive (I'm still waiting, Carla, I love you) I get a message from aforementioned co-worker. Hey don't worry about doing the shift tomorrow, thanks anyway sorry. have a good weekend
While that's a really nice message (She's good at masking the bitchiness, she does it often) I'm still really annoyed. I've already gone out of my way, so I could do their shift for them. You might be sorry, but I can't undo it now. I could already be where I wanna be tonight, I coulda been a hell lot more relaxed. I could be singstaring right now, and being generally awesome with my beautiful girls. And she's done it by message, what if I didn't get it? Someone suggested just turning up to the shift. But she's scary, so she'd probably end up doing it and I'd end up with more time wasted.

I need to figure out how to make her feel guilty. Preferably keep the shift, so my efforts aren't wasted. Without being too obvious a bitch. How how how? I'm not good with subtlety. I'm not good with these kinda things. I hate work politics, I hate getting involved. It makes me want to crawl back to the drama free real estate job that makes me suicidal. I managed to lose $50 rent money there last week, and it's still ALL. GOOD. (sure, they're my parents, and are obliged to love me anyway, but that's not the point).

Now I'm freaking out. What if she reads this? Not that anyone reads this blog, because I don't think I really told anyone of it's existence. I'm still getting used to blogging again. But that's not the point either. It's out there, it might happen. I've blogged for like, 6 years possibly longer, basically like my whole life and some (i'm five. really.) And i don't remember freaking about things like this before. Sure I never worked much before. My declining blogging kinda coincided with my getting a job. Who knows why. But didn't I complain about I don't know. People at school? It was high school, there was always drama right? It was an all girls competitive selective school. If there wasn't drama, I'm sure we would've made some. How come I was never this worried? And I actually had readers then.

So how do I do it, so that it's not misinterpreted, but so that I also get what's fair?

Carla, where are you? I know you don't read this, but it's singstar time baby.

----

UPDATE:
I am home now. Singstar is amazing, as are my friends. and cheese. and Soho. Just pointing out that i normally can't type. this will be worse. I will be too lazy to fix anything, i promise. i WIN at procrastinating life.

So I didn't message her, because I am chicken shit. But I called another girl (to bitch, whoops), she wasn't home. But she messaged me and was like, oh was it about the first girl? Cos she called me and asked me to work first, but i said I had to confirm blah blah, and in that time she asked you to work, and then I got back to her, so she had to tell you not to work.

This whole thing is lame and frustrating. Every single part of it. Like why couldn't she have said that in the first place? Then I wouldn't be so invested in working (hahaaha. who has their heart set on working? don't most people rejoice at not working 13 days straight. Not me apparently). If she had said I've asked someone else to work. They said they might be able to, but need to get back to me can you do it if they can't? How hard is that? Most of the time, even if it's really DIFFICULT for me to organise, I'll work anyway if no one else can do it. I'll tell them to try and get someone else, but if they're desperate, I'll do it. It's not that hard.

Its just that I need to find some buried treasure by the end of March to pay for uni. And apparently, the odds of that happening aren't so awesome, or so everyone else keeps telling me. I guess that means, the only other way of money appearing is if I work. i kinda need the shift that pays double time. Man, i should've whored myself out to some soul sucking retail WELL PAYING job at the start of these holidays. Too late for that now.

I did try messaging the second girl. In the hopes that she would be like, oh, i'm so sorry, you can do the shift if you want but apparently no one does what I want them to these days. I'm sitting here at 3am, wishing that I had to get up to start work at 9, who. does. that?! ramble ramble ramble, rant rant rant. Ah, my life is getting pathetic. I'm gonna go collapse into bed. hoorah!

They Don't Love You Like I Love You

My grandfather's discovered how to make calls to Australia.
It's super cute. Not to mention probably super expensive also.

The first time he called was Chinese New Years Day. He calls the office, cos obvs, no one is home, ever. Mum'd told him that I've been playing receptionist here over the holidays, and he was gonna pretend that he wanted to buy a house (my parents work in real estate. bor-inggggggggg).
I burst his bubble, cos i recognised his voice.
Next step, email.

Speaking of phone calls, I don't understand everyone's refusal to give out their phone number. No one, EVER wants to leave a message.
Do I sound really insincere or something?
I'm not going to sign you up for gazillions of telemarketing surveys. I don't have time for that (okay, I probs do, but it's too much effort, and I'm lazy)
I just want your number, so I can get someone to call you back, with the answers you seek.
What more do you want?
Oh, you'll call back? They probably won't be here. Only I will, and then you'll get angry and yell at me. Wondering why I cant give you the world.
It's really not that hard. You give me your name, you give me your number, you tell me what you want. I will probably repeat it to you, because I don't want it to be wrong, I really do want someone to get back to you. That's it.

Then there's the second type of person who refuses to leave their number. This person is the one who thinks they are the ONLY person who exists. They say, just tell them John called, they know who I am/They have my phone number. Um. yeah, my bet is you're not the only person in the universe named John. Stop being so insistent. It annoyes me. Just give me your number.

Of course, the people who DO leave a messages, they have nothing better to do but wait by the phone. Calling every 10 minutes, wondering why their call hasn't been returned yet. We're 'busy' (as you claim to be, how'd you find time in your pressing schedule to call back all the time?) too.

In conclusion, i hate you. Please stop calling just to yell at me/hang up on me.

Not Love,
marlene.