I heard a funny thing today, that i'm addicted to cocaine

My parents seem to be totally convinced that if I drink a whole cruiser, I will get drunk, fall over a lot, pass out, and possibly get alcohol poisoning and need to get my stomach pumped.

I started this post like 3 days ago. And i have no idea where I was going with it. I have to go to work in 24 minutes. And I really, really need/want a coffee. But I'm trying desperately to save money until the end of next month, (update: I BOUGHT A DRESS TODAY! my self control is amazing.) which makes me COMPLETELY BORING. And constantly hungry, but that's a given anyway.

It's weird being back at uni. I love/hate it alot.

I had a minor freak out on Tuesday morning when I got on the tram. I was like, do I even know where I'm going anymore? Is this the right tram? Has the route changed? Do I remember the stop?

But uni's got this strange familiarity about it. A slight security, and a weirdo twisted sense of freedom.

Most seem to be unhappy to be back. The holidays weren't long enough they say, It went so quickly, I can't believe we're back already. Maybe it's because I don't really feel like I had much of a holiday. Working crazy hours in a job I hated, to help my parents out. I was glad to go back. Happy to get away from sitting at a desk, being yelled at by people who refused to leave messages, happy not to have the 60 hour working weeks that drained my life.

It's strange. I don't really feel like I have a right to complain (but I do anyway). How were your holidays? they ask. Meh, Okay I say. I worked for my parents, I hated it. Did I get paid? I did. It wasn't much, but it was something. And it's not as if I did a whole lot anyway. I was probably in the way more than anything. I felt like, they didn't really need me there. My friends said it was a conspiracy, their careful scheme, obviously a plan that meant I couldn't really go out, drink a whole cruiser, and fall over. HA! But they told me they needed me. And that was enough. I owe it to them. I felt mostly that they needed me more to babysit the office. So it could stay open, people could walk in and out, pay their rent. And my parents could go do their thing. (We're in real estate btw.) It was frustrating, it drove me insane. But I did it, and I'm glad I don't have to anymore.

Uni however is tiring. Sitting on your arse gets old fast. I've been to all my classes so far. And I'm preetttty proud. That's not to say I've STAYED in all my classes, but whatever. I didn't have any chocolate.

Winning uni moments: Pharmacology lecturer, demonstrating how to snort cocaine/Lecturer saying "I'm not here to teach you about microbiology" - during microbiology (REASSURING)/Lecturer telling us we're wasting our time listening to him talk rubbish, time is money. We could be earning some (oh hey, thanks for reminding me.)/New fish slash starfish yet to be named. This one's for you Gemma:


Uni's crazy. It's frustrating. It annoys me. It's fake cold/hot. It's more like high school than anything. But it's constant. It's something to go back to. It kinda gives me purpose.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, WHY HELLO, ITS A LLAMA* NAMED PECCADILLO (disclaimer: May or may not be it's name. it started with P, i dont remember the rest). Oh hello Peccadillo, what were you doing in the middle of the mall?


* Is actually an Alpaca, not a Llama.

In other news:

i am feeling like, my voice is stuck down in my throat

i leave it up to you

I've read a few blogs where people are uncomfortable with their friends reading their blogs. I posted a link on facebook too my blog earlier this week.
Freaked out about it.
Wrote a nonsensical post about it.
Deleted the link,
and then the post.

I've thought about it a bit more now.
I'm not that worried about close friends reading my blog. In fact, all my friends are welcome to it. (hi guys! read read read, i like knowing people care). I understand how it can be weird though. Both for the reader and the blogger. Knowing that your friends have written something, but not really being able to process it/approach them about it is a little difficult. Blogging is another world. What you write doesn't always translate into 'real life'. And then sometimes there are things you don't really want anyone to read, but i've got a diary for that. One that hasn't been used in about 8 months. There hasn't really been much to say, at all this past year or so. Well there probably has, but i haven't known how. I've slowly forgotten the art of blogging. ha.

The only time I would really rather my friends didn't read this, was if i was to bitch about them. But that doesnt happen. I LOVE YOU ALL.

Like most, it's strange, but I'm pretty comfortable with strangers reading. As long as you're far removed enough to actually qualify as a stranger. I'm only creeped out by, like distant acquaintances knowing what i'm doing. That makes me uncomfortable.

It's like this thing I have where I worry that sometimes I pay too much attention, like you meet someone briefly, and, i know this sounds kinda erratic, but you remember their name, and you kinda worry that they won't remember yours. It's like you know too much. Okay, maybe not just their name, maybe something about them. And it's just kinda odd.

Having people know so much about you that you didn't explicitly tell them. I guess is what I'm trying to say. This is why stalkbook facebook creeps me out a bit, even if i DO spend all my time there, it's good for procrastination okay?

I don't really know what I'm getting at. It all made sense in my head.

Laneway festival this weekend. I'm massively excited.
So like, maybe i'll just post some singstar photos later, cos i'm cool. and like photos. And then it can be like tadaaa! the end.

there's a limit to your love

What is it lately that's making my sleep more erratic than normal.
I sleep late, which is normal for me, then wake up a few hours later unable to go back to sleep.
Usually about 3 or 4 hours later?
It makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. What is my body trying to tell me?
I mean sleep for me has never been awesome. What with the freaky hallucinogen inducing sleep paralysis that's been happening pretty consistently for about 5 or 6 years. I'm almost kinda so used to that now that i'm can nearly predict when it's going to happen. And when it does I'm not as freaked out as I used to be, I'm just kinda like, Oh, come on, not again! Hurry the fuck up. I want to go to sleep. Though, sometimes it's worse.

There's not really much to say. This i s just a i-can't-sleep-and-it's-five-am-so-i-don't-know-what-else-to-do-with-myself post.
My anxiety-inducing uni timetable previously written in ancient Egyptian and now translated to 'making sense' is looking a lot better than expected.
I mean, the occasional day off? this has never happened before. What will I do with myself? Free time? It can't be possible.

Also, I got a BLISTER from cutting stripping for shelf labels at work. A blister! From not my shoes, at work! I bet everyone will hate me because there's still so much to get done.
But our store's got new managment, and everything is happening at once. We have so much more stock, it's so exciting! We got extra shelves, and i'm like, THESE SHELVES, THEY ARE FULL?! when our old ones were boringly empty looking. It's like its a real pharmacy now! I better try and get back to sleep to prepare myself for the crazies.
I mean, four hours sleep is better than three hey?

dot the i

rant ranty rant.
I'm really fricken annoyed.
Someone from work called a few hours ago, asking me if I could do their shift tomorrow.
I said yes.
Then proceeded to rearrange my shit so I could work for them.
I come home from doing some of the things I had to do so I could work, freaked out that my uniform was gross, washed it. And went upstairs to get ready to go out. Checking my phone to see if my lift was ever going to arrive (I'm still waiting, Carla, I love you) I get a message from aforementioned co-worker. Hey don't worry about doing the shift tomorrow, thanks anyway sorry. have a good weekend
While that's a really nice message (She's good at masking the bitchiness, she does it often) I'm still really annoyed. I've already gone out of my way, so I could do their shift for them. You might be sorry, but I can't undo it now. I could already be where I wanna be tonight, I coulda been a hell lot more relaxed. I could be singstaring right now, and being generally awesome with my beautiful girls. And she's done it by message, what if I didn't get it? Someone suggested just turning up to the shift. But she's scary, so she'd probably end up doing it and I'd end up with more time wasted.

I need to figure out how to make her feel guilty. Preferably keep the shift, so my efforts aren't wasted. Without being too obvious a bitch. How how how? I'm not good with subtlety. I'm not good with these kinda things. I hate work politics, I hate getting involved. It makes me want to crawl back to the drama free real estate job that makes me suicidal. I managed to lose $50 rent money there last week, and it's still ALL. GOOD. (sure, they're my parents, and are obliged to love me anyway, but that's not the point).

Now I'm freaking out. What if she reads this? Not that anyone reads this blog, because I don't think I really told anyone of it's existence. I'm still getting used to blogging again. But that's not the point either. It's out there, it might happen. I've blogged for like, 6 years possibly longer, basically like my whole life and some (i'm five. really.) And i don't remember freaking about things like this before. Sure I never worked much before. My declining blogging kinda coincided with my getting a job. Who knows why. But didn't I complain about I don't know. People at school? It was high school, there was always drama right? It was an all girls competitive selective school. If there wasn't drama, I'm sure we would've made some. How come I was never this worried? And I actually had readers then.

So how do I do it, so that it's not misinterpreted, but so that I also get what's fair?

Carla, where are you? I know you don't read this, but it's singstar time baby.

----

UPDATE:
I am home now. Singstar is amazing, as are my friends. and cheese. and Soho. Just pointing out that i normally can't type. this will be worse. I will be too lazy to fix anything, i promise. i WIN at procrastinating life.

So I didn't message her, because I am chicken shit. But I called another girl (to bitch, whoops), she wasn't home. But she messaged me and was like, oh was it about the first girl? Cos she called me and asked me to work first, but i said I had to confirm blah blah, and in that time she asked you to work, and then I got back to her, so she had to tell you not to work.

This whole thing is lame and frustrating. Every single part of it. Like why couldn't she have said that in the first place? Then I wouldn't be so invested in working (hahaaha. who has their heart set on working? don't most people rejoice at not working 13 days straight. Not me apparently). If she had said I've asked someone else to work. They said they might be able to, but need to get back to me can you do it if they can't? How hard is that? Most of the time, even if it's really DIFFICULT for me to organise, I'll work anyway if no one else can do it. I'll tell them to try and get someone else, but if they're desperate, I'll do it. It's not that hard.

Its just that I need to find some buried treasure by the end of March to pay for uni. And apparently, the odds of that happening aren't so awesome, or so everyone else keeps telling me. I guess that means, the only other way of money appearing is if I work. i kinda need the shift that pays double time. Man, i should've whored myself out to some soul sucking retail WELL PAYING job at the start of these holidays. Too late for that now.

I did try messaging the second girl. In the hopes that she would be like, oh, i'm so sorry, you can do the shift if you want but apparently no one does what I want them to these days. I'm sitting here at 3am, wishing that I had to get up to start work at 9, who. does. that?! ramble ramble ramble, rant rant rant. Ah, my life is getting pathetic. I'm gonna go collapse into bed. hoorah!

They Don't Love You Like I Love You

My grandfather's discovered how to make calls to Australia.
It's super cute. Not to mention probably super expensive also.

The first time he called was Chinese New Years Day. He calls the office, cos obvs, no one is home, ever. Mum'd told him that I've been playing receptionist here over the holidays, and he was gonna pretend that he wanted to buy a house (my parents work in real estate. bor-inggggggggg).
I burst his bubble, cos i recognised his voice.
Next step, email.

Speaking of phone calls, I don't understand everyone's refusal to give out their phone number. No one, EVER wants to leave a message.
Do I sound really insincere or something?
I'm not going to sign you up for gazillions of telemarketing surveys. I don't have time for that (okay, I probs do, but it's too much effort, and I'm lazy)
I just want your number, so I can get someone to call you back, with the answers you seek.
What more do you want?
Oh, you'll call back? They probably won't be here. Only I will, and then you'll get angry and yell at me. Wondering why I cant give you the world.
It's really not that hard. You give me your name, you give me your number, you tell me what you want. I will probably repeat it to you, because I don't want it to be wrong, I really do want someone to get back to you. That's it.

Then there's the second type of person who refuses to leave their number. This person is the one who thinks they are the ONLY person who exists. They say, just tell them John called, they know who I am/They have my phone number. Um. yeah, my bet is you're not the only person in the universe named John. Stop being so insistent. It annoyes me. Just give me your number.

Of course, the people who DO leave a messages, they have nothing better to do but wait by the phone. Calling every 10 minutes, wondering why their call hasn't been returned yet. We're 'busy' (as you claim to be, how'd you find time in your pressing schedule to call back all the time?) too.

In conclusion, i hate you. Please stop calling just to yell at me/hang up on me.

Not Love,
marlene.

no one wants to pay to see your day by day

It's like coming full circle, going back to blogger.
This is where it started kids.
Anyway, on to more important things, namely:

Why I hate Chinese New Year, or Why Everyone Is Driving Me Insane:

- You have to be PERFECT.
Oh, there's no room for screwing up on New Years Day, god no. This is what the rest of the year will be like, a reflection of today. Or tomorrow rather. Upset? nope. you're not allowed. Bad hair day? Guess I'm screwed for the rest of the year then. Do you feel lazy? Bored? Want to have actual emotions that aren't 'smile pretty now'? Think again. You have to be flawless, you don't have a choice in the matter. Parents will say, don't MAKE me get angry at you, it's new years. Like it actually means something. So, i guess what it means is that we're always gonna be pretending that we're something we're not.

Its. Too. Much. Pressure.

- You have to say complicated things in other languages to get your god damn money.
Remember when we were little, and people were super impressed with we greeted them? And then they just threw money at you in little red envelopes, and you had no idea what this money thing was, or what to do with it. So you gave it to mum. So not gonna cut it anymore. You've gotta work for it these days baby. Need to learn how to say 'good health and prosperity to you and your family' three zillion different ways. In. The. Same. Sentence. They'll probably make you kneel/beg also. Just for fun.

- I don't have pretty new clothes.
Speaking of traditions I'm supposed to be following, New Years was a time where everyone got pretty new clothes, haircuts and lots of candy. Why didn't we keep the awesome traditions? Why can't I have servants and custom made clothing and candy. Lots of candy.

-You can't sweep/throw things out.
If you do, you are just THROWING AWAY your money which is clearly a stupid thing to do. Because rubbish is like money, and so we should all just let it pile up all the time, and try and pay for things with it.

But the thing i hate most, is that i sort of in the back of my mind, subscribe to all the 'traditions'/superstitions.

Happy New Year everyone. Lets hope you get pretty things.