in my head i replay our conversations, over and over until they feel like halucinations

So likeeee, this whole placement thing. Its a learning experience y'know? They stick you somewhere (in my case the middle of nowhere! actually not really, it was pretty big, they had TWO coles'), in a position much like a 'job', foreign concept, no? And then; they don't pay you! At all! Not even in cookies! because you're learning! and knowledge is wealth! knowledge is better than wealth, and you'll be so full of it you'll almost burst/spontaneously combust! just wait till you try to buy a coffee with knowledge. and omg you better be fucking grateful! we give you (the lucky winner!) the opportunity to see what its like to work 43 hour weeks for no money! I have this theory, they're just setting us up, so that when we get jobs that actually pay, even if they're shit we'll all be like at least we get paid, unlike placement. So this, this is what i learnt. i'm gonna print it out, paint it green and try to buy a coffee and some lunch with it tomorrow.

Things I Learnt From Placement That I Sort of Already Knew.

I'm boring. And stuff.
My parents are pretty strict. I'm not allowed to sleep over. I can't stay out late. I can't catch public transport/taxi home by myself, esp when dark. I'm probs not supposed to date (unless he's like a doctor/lawyer/perfect boring kid), drink or any of that other stuff either. And so its totally expected that i go crazy without the parental supervision right? Nah uh, i think i'll just bake instead thanks. Make pastry from scratch? Sure! Heard of a supermarket, where you can buy these things pre-made? Clearly not. Annddd then i'll, pretend to study for 25 seconds just do some knitting/cross-stitch in front of the tv instead. I wish i was joking. This is really ruining my street cred.


WiniFred >>> LOTS


I am a caffeine addict.
There, I said it. I used to be all, totes not. I just like coffee. And I'd be all, adamant that I only drink coffee if its good, completely pointless otherwise right?! Plus coffee = marlene+horoscope time . I justify the statement that i'm not totally (only partially?) addicted by saying I only drink coffee on the weekdays. I don't on the weekends/holidays (ie. when i don't leave the house). What I didn't realise is that, at these times i DO NOT make use of my brain, and usually am not really required to function (library on the weekend = coffee; playing receptionist = no coffee). Whilst in countrytown, i discovered that holy shit, the coffee is horrible. Can someone say burnt dirty coffee water? Not only that, it was more expensive than in melbourne, go figure. And i kept trying, but it just wasn't working with me. It was crap everywhere i went. So then I drank instant. Only when i strugggling, still i'm not proud to admit it.


The world won't end if i don't read my horoscope.
Firstly, today's horoscope = hilarious, observe, "...You are trying to do something difficult. To achieve this requires ingenuity and intuition. You've got that. Now you just need to add the basic ingredients of sustained sanity. These comprise, as I am sure you know, of a healthy diet, good water to drink, space alone in which to think, and a decent night's sleep. Get those and the rest will prove no problem. " Ahhh, Johnathan Cainer, I'll always hate you.
So this one's pretty self explainatory, but i saved a few minutes every day (so I couldn't knit?).
On the otherhand, I was pretty bored, and felt a tiny bit empty on the inside.


I survived!
Obvs. And then i baked everyone cookies as thank yous. They were crazy/insane/really pretty. I should've taken photos.


Can't say i don't win at procrastination though. happy halloween?

If I lose myself try to stop me (stop me).

i met sarah blasko a few months ago. right before i left for placement. it was at a friend of a friend's (sister's ex-boyfriend's, cousin's brother's best friend's, no not really) fashion show. We did the whole small talk thing, nothing out of the ordinary. But it stuck with me, and I've been thinking about it since.

She asked what I did, was I part of the whole fashion/design thing?
Ha...no, far from it. I'm studying pharmacy.
Wow, that's different. Do you love it?!
And I didn't really know what to say. Its not like it just hit me, but it was the way she said it. It seemed like, for her, there was no other option other than loving what you did.

Wholeheartedly.

And I'm indifferent.

Its okay, I tell the people who don't actually care, I guess I don't hate it/I study pharmacy, because secretly i'm 5 years old and like colourful stickers, why else? I tell my friends.

Completely, indifferent. I don't love it. I don't know how to love it. If its even possible to love. If anyone out there loves it at all?

I've never met a pharmacist who loves their job. Like really loves it. I know plenty who are happy, crazy hardworking, dedicated. But never love. On the otherhand, I've never met one who completely hates what they're doing, whereas some of my friends have had pharmacists tell them to get out while they still can. (side note: why does firefox think 'out' is spelt wrong?)

Pharmacy is a fall back. Its what you do when you don't make the cut for med/dent/law. But is secure enough, that you don't try too hard to transfer yourself out. Plus its too hard, better off doing something easier where you'll get better marks. Its a stable enough job, will pay the bills. It'll make my parents happy. And my grandfather's crazy proud. But I've got no idea what I want, at all, y'know to do with the rest of my life and stuff. I know this isn't permanent, I'm not stuck here, but its a waste if i don't make something of this. Make someone proud, save some lives, cure cancer and all that. Its like this is a time filler, but its becoming more and more permanent.

I wanted to do medicine. Back in highschool when we thought were preparing for the rest of our lives and 'the real world'. Back when we thought we were making the big decisions that we couldn't ever change. Back when our ENTER was going to define us. Those four digits with the decimal point. But I have no idea where that desire came from. As far as super vague memories go, if i'm no making this up, i remember turning to my mum; i was probably 4? after someone asked me what i wanted to do when i grow up and asking "mum, what do i want to do?"and she said "you want to be a doctor" and so it was, from then on, mostly i said i didn't know. but towards the end of high school when i had nothing else, i'd say i wanted to study medicine. Cos at some point, you've gotta pick ksomething right? At least i could say i'd wanted to since i was little.

I don't hate this enough to leave, unless there's something better. I know this for sure.
But if i don't find anything else, can i love it enough to stay?

I was going to ramble more, but I'm so braindead right now. So vague. I literally cannot speak properly. Maybe I just need to go to bed. Sleep deprivation gives you the crazies. True story.

its just amusing watching you dance

I really don't know what else to tell you. What is it you wanna hear?

This is everything, y'know?
I've been having a lot of thoughts, but most of themn are along the lines of 'dontfaildontfaildontfaildontfail' followed by 'ihateunihatehatehateunihateargh'.

Its Sunday, and i'm at the library. I've never done this before. Saturday was the limit, and that was a recent thing too. Before all this I'd avoid the library at all costs. I'm pretty sure i've never even borrowed a library book for myself at the uni library.


It was all about just doing well enough to pass. And in this freaking course, that's hard enough as it is. Even my crazy parents say you just have to pass. that's all. Granted, they're probably trying to make me feel better when i think i've just failed.

And, I know this is awful, but I don't feel like there's any reason to do really well. Its kind of completely pointless. Nothing I'm learning here can really be applied out there in the real world. Can draw the structure of morphine? Biosynthesis of cholesterol/steroids? pH-rate profiles? Sound like gibberish to you? Yeah i thought so. And that's the whole thing. They teach us about communication, body language, lean forward eye contact, hand on top when shaking hands is the dominant position, but what does it all mean? We're supposed to be able to communicate with our clients, but its not as if i can spew any of this state of ionisation stuff to even the most educated patients. They don't care, and more importantly it doesn't even matter.

Yet, despite all that, i strangely want to actually do well. More than just passing and getting through. Its never been like this. I refuse to stay up late to study, refuse to pull all nighters, refuse to change too much to accomodate the craziness.

All of that's still there, except here I am at the library, on a Sunday. People are glaring at me for no reason, and the electric bin opened automatically as i walked past (wonder what it was trying to tell me) and i'm starting to even though it doesn't matter.

So i'm gonna take my books, head down for some coffee, and hope another rubber penis doesn't fall from the sky like it did on the way here. Then i'm gonna go to the beach.

Cause they wanted to hear that sound that you didn't want to play

i'm back i'm back! and my lovely placement bubble has popped. stuff (i. e. exams) are happening sooooon, and i don't know how?! oh time and space, how you confuse me.

Placement wasn't too bad, i mean the actual placement wasn't that fun, it was basically just slave labor, but you win some you lose some. I just chose to bake, alot. we were well fed.


As of yesterday i freaked, re: exams and went to the city/library on a Saturday, producing much shock and confusion (mostly from staff at jungle juice). Then i slept really early to avoid this pharmacology assignment that i'm currently avoiding by typing this.

In other news i am probably most likely getting a new laptop. I think its the msi wind, but i know nothing about computers. i just refer to it as a baby laptop yay! because this one is currently breaking. my. back. and therefore ruining my life slightly.


So last night i had a vividish dream about having a baby. I don't remember much of it anymore. Slightly concerning. Apparently babies in dreams mean new beginnings or something like that. I. don't. know.

update: i feel like the whole baby thing refers to my like of all things baby sized. For example, baby sized laptop, baby sized pony tail etc.