the future or otherwise.

Scrap that, I have no idea what I want.

I've pretty much decided what I want to do, and it scares me. Because wanting and getting aren't the same thing, obvs.

The whole process seems to be centered around choosing what you want to do. And who with, but its a total lie. We're not the ones that get to do the picking.

There are three places I'd be happy to be at next year. But taking the risk for #1 & #2 means saying goodbye to option #3. And, so while I've pretty much had it sorted 2 weeks ago, I still don't know if its the right thing to do.

I don't know if this is the same as the end of school. Where there's so much focus on the 4 digits & the decimal point. Like, it won't really matter in the end anyway. Because no one cares after the fact. But next year is going to be tough, no doubt about it. The perks of full time work are hopefully being able to switch off when you leave the 9-to-5. And the perks of studying? Having an excuse not to deal with everything else/have a real job. And next year? Its the worst of both worlds. And I realise, these 4 years of 'preparing' for the real world and probs for the most part irrelevant ("i can draw the chemical structure of cholesterol! will that help?").


Everyone I asked at the careers thing basically told me the same thing. You've got to think about where you wanna be in 10 years time, and go with that. My instinct says, um... I have issues picking an outfit in the morning (admittedly, its kinda difficult when you've got 60+ dresses, but lets talk about that some other time/you can yell at me later). But the truth is, I have a vague idea, jobwise anyway. Which makes me not want to go there even more. The only thing I remember from the careers counselling crap we did in high school was that the average person makes about 6 career changes in their lifetime, so whatever everyone. I just want to see something different, even if its within pharmacy. Because I'm the kid who's only ever worked in pharmacy (working for my parents doesn't count, except: oh my god please don't ever make me play secretary, even if I do type fast)

I don't know if its true, but I'm under the impression that switching from A to B is alot easier than the other way round. So, if I'm gonna end up doing B anyway, why not try A out for a little while first. So what if I am maybe wasting my time, yeah?

This is the part where even though you have no idea what I'm talking about, you reassure me. Or, persuade me otherwise, b/c I only have a few days left to chicken out.

If I lose myself try to stop me (stop me).

i met sarah blasko a few months ago. right before i left for placement. it was at a friend of a friend's (sister's ex-boyfriend's, cousin's brother's best friend's, no not really) fashion show. We did the whole small talk thing, nothing out of the ordinary. But it stuck with me, and I've been thinking about it since.

She asked what I did, was I part of the whole fashion/design thing?
Ha...no, far from it. I'm studying pharmacy.
Wow, that's different. Do you love it?!
And I didn't really know what to say. Its not like it just hit me, but it was the way she said it. It seemed like, for her, there was no other option other than loving what you did.

Wholeheartedly.

And I'm indifferent.

Its okay, I tell the people who don't actually care, I guess I don't hate it/I study pharmacy, because secretly i'm 5 years old and like colourful stickers, why else? I tell my friends.

Completely, indifferent. I don't love it. I don't know how to love it. If its even possible to love. If anyone out there loves it at all?

I've never met a pharmacist who loves their job. Like really loves it. I know plenty who are happy, crazy hardworking, dedicated. But never love. On the otherhand, I've never met one who completely hates what they're doing, whereas some of my friends have had pharmacists tell them to get out while they still can. (side note: why does firefox think 'out' is spelt wrong?)

Pharmacy is a fall back. Its what you do when you don't make the cut for med/dent/law. But is secure enough, that you don't try too hard to transfer yourself out. Plus its too hard, better off doing something easier where you'll get better marks. Its a stable enough job, will pay the bills. It'll make my parents happy. And my grandfather's crazy proud. But I've got no idea what I want, at all, y'know to do with the rest of my life and stuff. I know this isn't permanent, I'm not stuck here, but its a waste if i don't make something of this. Make someone proud, save some lives, cure cancer and all that. Its like this is a time filler, but its becoming more and more permanent.

I wanted to do medicine. Back in highschool when we thought were preparing for the rest of our lives and 'the real world'. Back when we thought we were making the big decisions that we couldn't ever change. Back when our ENTER was going to define us. Those four digits with the decimal point. But I have no idea where that desire came from. As far as super vague memories go, if i'm no making this up, i remember turning to my mum; i was probably 4? after someone asked me what i wanted to do when i grow up and asking "mum, what do i want to do?"and she said "you want to be a doctor" and so it was, from then on, mostly i said i didn't know. but towards the end of high school when i had nothing else, i'd say i wanted to study medicine. Cos at some point, you've gotta pick ksomething right? At least i could say i'd wanted to since i was little.

I don't hate this enough to leave, unless there's something better. I know this for sure.
But if i don't find anything else, can i love it enough to stay?

I was going to ramble more, but I'm so braindead right now. So vague. I literally cannot speak properly. Maybe I just need to go to bed. Sleep deprivation gives you the crazies. True story.