If I lose myself try to stop me (stop me).

i met sarah blasko a few months ago. right before i left for placement. it was at a friend of a friend's (sister's ex-boyfriend's, cousin's brother's best friend's, no not really) fashion show. We did the whole small talk thing, nothing out of the ordinary. But it stuck with me, and I've been thinking about it since.

She asked what I did, was I part of the whole fashion/design thing?
Ha...no, far from it. I'm studying pharmacy.
Wow, that's different. Do you love it?!
And I didn't really know what to say. Its not like it just hit me, but it was the way she said it. It seemed like, for her, there was no other option other than loving what you did.

Wholeheartedly.

And I'm indifferent.

Its okay, I tell the people who don't actually care, I guess I don't hate it/I study pharmacy, because secretly i'm 5 years old and like colourful stickers, why else? I tell my friends.

Completely, indifferent. I don't love it. I don't know how to love it. If its even possible to love. If anyone out there loves it at all?

I've never met a pharmacist who loves their job. Like really loves it. I know plenty who are happy, crazy hardworking, dedicated. But never love. On the otherhand, I've never met one who completely hates what they're doing, whereas some of my friends have had pharmacists tell them to get out while they still can. (side note: why does firefox think 'out' is spelt wrong?)

Pharmacy is a fall back. Its what you do when you don't make the cut for med/dent/law. But is secure enough, that you don't try too hard to transfer yourself out. Plus its too hard, better off doing something easier where you'll get better marks. Its a stable enough job, will pay the bills. It'll make my parents happy. And my grandfather's crazy proud. But I've got no idea what I want, at all, y'know to do with the rest of my life and stuff. I know this isn't permanent, I'm not stuck here, but its a waste if i don't make something of this. Make someone proud, save some lives, cure cancer and all that. Its like this is a time filler, but its becoming more and more permanent.

I wanted to do medicine. Back in highschool when we thought were preparing for the rest of our lives and 'the real world'. Back when we thought we were making the big decisions that we couldn't ever change. Back when our ENTER was going to define us. Those four digits with the decimal point. But I have no idea where that desire came from. As far as super vague memories go, if i'm no making this up, i remember turning to my mum; i was probably 4? after someone asked me what i wanted to do when i grow up and asking "mum, what do i want to do?"and she said "you want to be a doctor" and so it was, from then on, mostly i said i didn't know. but towards the end of high school when i had nothing else, i'd say i wanted to study medicine. Cos at some point, you've gotta pick ksomething right? At least i could say i'd wanted to since i was little.

I don't hate this enough to leave, unless there's something better. I know this for sure.
But if i don't find anything else, can i love it enough to stay?

I was going to ramble more, but I'm so braindead right now. So vague. I literally cannot speak properly. Maybe I just need to go to bed. Sleep deprivation gives you the crazies. True story.

its just amusing watching you dance

I really don't know what else to tell you. What is it you wanna hear?

This is everything, y'know?
I've been having a lot of thoughts, but most of themn are along the lines of 'dontfaildontfaildontfaildontfail' followed by 'ihateunihatehatehateunihateargh'.

Its Sunday, and i'm at the library. I've never done this before. Saturday was the limit, and that was a recent thing too. Before all this I'd avoid the library at all costs. I'm pretty sure i've never even borrowed a library book for myself at the uni library.


It was all about just doing well enough to pass. And in this freaking course, that's hard enough as it is. Even my crazy parents say you just have to pass. that's all. Granted, they're probably trying to make me feel better when i think i've just failed.

And, I know this is awful, but I don't feel like there's any reason to do really well. Its kind of completely pointless. Nothing I'm learning here can really be applied out there in the real world. Can draw the structure of morphine? Biosynthesis of cholesterol/steroids? pH-rate profiles? Sound like gibberish to you? Yeah i thought so. And that's the whole thing. They teach us about communication, body language, lean forward eye contact, hand on top when shaking hands is the dominant position, but what does it all mean? We're supposed to be able to communicate with our clients, but its not as if i can spew any of this state of ionisation stuff to even the most educated patients. They don't care, and more importantly it doesn't even matter.

Yet, despite all that, i strangely want to actually do well. More than just passing and getting through. Its never been like this. I refuse to stay up late to study, refuse to pull all nighters, refuse to change too much to accomodate the craziness.

All of that's still there, except here I am at the library, on a Sunday. People are glaring at me for no reason, and the electric bin opened automatically as i walked past (wonder what it was trying to tell me) and i'm starting to even though it doesn't matter.

So i'm gonna take my books, head down for some coffee, and hope another rubber penis doesn't fall from the sky like it did on the way here. Then i'm gonna go to the beach.