its just amusing watching you dance

I really don't know what else to tell you. What is it you wanna hear?

This is everything, y'know?
I've been having a lot of thoughts, but most of themn are along the lines of 'dontfaildontfaildontfaildontfail' followed by 'ihateunihatehatehateunihateargh'.

Its Sunday, and i'm at the library. I've never done this before. Saturday was the limit, and that was a recent thing too. Before all this I'd avoid the library at all costs. I'm pretty sure i've never even borrowed a library book for myself at the uni library.


It was all about just doing well enough to pass. And in this freaking course, that's hard enough as it is. Even my crazy parents say you just have to pass. that's all. Granted, they're probably trying to make me feel better when i think i've just failed.

And, I know this is awful, but I don't feel like there's any reason to do really well. Its kind of completely pointless. Nothing I'm learning here can really be applied out there in the real world. Can draw the structure of morphine? Biosynthesis of cholesterol/steroids? pH-rate profiles? Sound like gibberish to you? Yeah i thought so. And that's the whole thing. They teach us about communication, body language, lean forward eye contact, hand on top when shaking hands is the dominant position, but what does it all mean? We're supposed to be able to communicate with our clients, but its not as if i can spew any of this state of ionisation stuff to even the most educated patients. They don't care, and more importantly it doesn't even matter.

Yet, despite all that, i strangely want to actually do well. More than just passing and getting through. Its never been like this. I refuse to stay up late to study, refuse to pull all nighters, refuse to change too much to accomodate the craziness.

All of that's still there, except here I am at the library, on a Sunday. People are glaring at me for no reason, and the electric bin opened automatically as i walked past (wonder what it was trying to tell me) and i'm starting to even though it doesn't matter.

So i'm gonna take my books, head down for some coffee, and hope another rubber penis doesn't fall from the sky like it did on the way here. Then i'm gonna go to the beach.