If I lose myself try to stop me (stop me).

i met sarah blasko a few months ago. right before i left for placement. it was at a friend of a friend's (sister's ex-boyfriend's, cousin's brother's best friend's, no not really) fashion show. We did the whole small talk thing, nothing out of the ordinary. But it stuck with me, and I've been thinking about it since.

She asked what I did, was I part of the whole fashion/design thing?
Ha...no, far from it. I'm studying pharmacy.
Wow, that's different. Do you love it?!
And I didn't really know what to say. Its not like it just hit me, but it was the way she said it. It seemed like, for her, there was no other option other than loving what you did.

Wholeheartedly.

And I'm indifferent.

Its okay, I tell the people who don't actually care, I guess I don't hate it/I study pharmacy, because secretly i'm 5 years old and like colourful stickers, why else? I tell my friends.

Completely, indifferent. I don't love it. I don't know how to love it. If its even possible to love. If anyone out there loves it at all?

I've never met a pharmacist who loves their job. Like really loves it. I know plenty who are happy, crazy hardworking, dedicated. But never love. On the otherhand, I've never met one who completely hates what they're doing, whereas some of my friends have had pharmacists tell them to get out while they still can. (side note: why does firefox think 'out' is spelt wrong?)

Pharmacy is a fall back. Its what you do when you don't make the cut for med/dent/law. But is secure enough, that you don't try too hard to transfer yourself out. Plus its too hard, better off doing something easier where you'll get better marks. Its a stable enough job, will pay the bills. It'll make my parents happy. And my grandfather's crazy proud. But I've got no idea what I want, at all, y'know to do with the rest of my life and stuff. I know this isn't permanent, I'm not stuck here, but its a waste if i don't make something of this. Make someone proud, save some lives, cure cancer and all that. Its like this is a time filler, but its becoming more and more permanent.

I wanted to do medicine. Back in highschool when we thought were preparing for the rest of our lives and 'the real world'. Back when we thought we were making the big decisions that we couldn't ever change. Back when our ENTER was going to define us. Those four digits with the decimal point. But I have no idea where that desire came from. As far as super vague memories go, if i'm no making this up, i remember turning to my mum; i was probably 4? after someone asked me what i wanted to do when i grow up and asking "mum, what do i want to do?"and she said "you want to be a doctor" and so it was, from then on, mostly i said i didn't know. but towards the end of high school when i had nothing else, i'd say i wanted to study medicine. Cos at some point, you've gotta pick ksomething right? At least i could say i'd wanted to since i was little.

I don't hate this enough to leave, unless there's something better. I know this for sure.
But if i don't find anything else, can i love it enough to stay?

I was going to ramble more, but I'm so braindead right now. So vague. I literally cannot speak properly. Maybe I just need to go to bed. Sleep deprivation gives you the crazies. True story.